Why the rest of the world hates us

Sure the rest of the world hates us because we treat them like they exist to serve us, we use up natural resources faster than a family values Republican drops trou at a glory hole, and because we export all the worst things about our culture, bad movies, bad TV, pcorn syrup laden fast food, and unwavering support of dictatorships, the Zionists, and the almighty corporation. And they also hate us because we export our hypocritical Christian 'religion.'

And because they love to make things worse, some Baptists have decided to make the tragedy in Haiti all about them and not about the Haitian people. You see some 'missionaries' from some church in Idaho of all places decided they were going to fly down to Haiti and swoop up some orphan kids in order to save them from a life of voodoo, Santeria, and poverty. They were going to bring those orphans back to the USA where they can live with god fearing Jesus loving white folks because we all know all people every where want nothing more than to abandon their culture, their extended family, and every thing they know just so they can come and live in Jesusland where the Wal Marts stay open all day and night and McDonald's and Starbucks fill their empty belly's. Holy shit, just seeing what I wrote makes me wish that I was a dirty backwards brown skinned foreigner living in a place where a natural disaster hit just so I could take the help of those kind white folks and come and live in this paradise called the US of fuckin' A.

But these Baptists hit a little snag in their plans to rescue those orphans from their awful home country. Turns out they just waltzed down there, with typical American Christian swagger I'm sure, and started whisking kids out without going through the proper channels. Despite being in shambles the Haitian government put the kibosh on the 'missionaries.' And the Haitian authorities have gone so far as to say that these Baptists are child traffickers and kidnappers.

As is so often the case in situations like these, the childnappers Christian humility comes immediately to the fore, he said ironically. For the first two days since they got nabbed for trying to smuggle the kids out of Haiti the Idahoan kidnappers were kept in two small concrete rooms inside the police HQ in Port Au Prince, while hundreds of thousands of Haitian sleep and live outside because their homes were reduced to rubble in the earthquake. But wait, it gets worse for the missionaries. They have no electricity or air conditioning inside their two rooms! And they say it's not fun or fair. They're forced to live like animals while the Haitian people run around outside enjoying the cool breezes and the freedom of not having to pay their mortgages or rent any more! Disgusting!

Just when you thought our intrepid Christian do gooders couldn't have it any worse, it gets worse, because, well, it's almost like Jesus is fucking with them. It turns out that some of the kids they were trying to send out of the country weren't orphans at all! At least one little girl had parents who survived the quake, but I'm sure that didn't mean shit to the Baptists because we all know that desires of poor black folks don't hold a candle to the wishes of white folks who are out to kidnap kids and consign them to a life of slavery in the USA, oops, I mean, to save their wretched little souls and bring them up the way they think Jesus wants them to.

It's disgusting Christian hubris at it's worst. To want to go help is one thing, and it's admirable that so many people went to and are going to go to Haiti to help, but to go down there with the idea that kidnapping kids from the only life and culture they have ever known is as absurd as the idea of a virgin birth or original sin is. If you want to go help, then go fucking help and stop being such a sanctimonious ass. Do go and provide the kids with shelter, food, water, and loving care. Don't go and fill their heads with stories about your fucked up religion and don't assume they want to come live over here with your fat ass and your fat fucking family. People in trouble want help, not lectures about the need to accept Jesus Christ in their lives. Frightened kids want stability and order, they don't want to be torn from their parents and culture just because you think it will win you points with your god.

"What are missionaries Alex. I'll take 'Ways Christianity has Wreaked Havoc on the World' for $1000 please."

Finally, let's remember what Christian missionaries did to the native peoples who lived in Tiera Del Fuego, which is at the bottom tip of South America. The people who originally lived there had adapted to the almost constant cold and rain by becoming stocky and not growing very tall. They went naked year round and it worked for them. But when the missionaries from England hit their shores they preached the gospel and they made the natives wear western clothes, no doubt because it freaked them out to see naked breasts, vaginas, asses, and penises. To their detriment the natives listened and they stopped going naked and started wearing wool sweaters, which stayed wet most of the time, and pants, which stayed wet most of the time, and they changed their diets to match those of the people who came to tell them the good news about Jesus H. Christ. Turns out between catching the diseases the missionaries had become immune to but still spread nonetheless, eating all the imported foods that didn't agree with their digestive tracts, and staying wet in their western style clothes the natives of Tierra Del Fuego were wiped out within just a few years of coming into contact with those British missionaries.

Let's hope the people of Haiti don't succumb to the same fate.