I hope this letter finds you well. I'm doing as well as can be expected, I'm still serving the first year of my twenty year sentence for blasphemy against the church and the capitalists. I knew I was breaking the law by not braying 'Merry Christmas' all the time, even in August, and asking aloud why was the economy still in recession after President Trump's third round of tax cuts, they knew I was being sarcastic when I said that Jesus wasn't going to let the sweet sweet riches trickle down on anyone who didn't believe in Christmas miracles.
It's not so bad in prison. They spray us with freezing cold water to wake us up in the morning and then as soon as we're dressed everyone in my cell block fights it out to see who gets breakfast. Some days I get a few crumbs, but on the plus side, I've lost a shitload of weight, and a few teeths as well. After we wipe the blood off we go straight into morning chapel where they endlessly repeat the stories in the Bible in an effort to make us convert and then the Christian youth ministers sodomize those of us who don't. It's pretty painful but most of the time I just close my eyes and pretend it's Jamie Lee Curtis or some other hot Jewess doing me.
After the forced sodomizing we're herded off to our jobs. This month my job is to add 'natural flavorings' to the Soylent Green you on the outside love so much. They put me on that detail because I'm a people person. After my fourteen hour shift I'm allowed to go back to my dark and damp hovel of a cell and I'm given a bowl of shredded food stamps with a bit of rancid milk for supper.
All this could be over if I just accept President Trump as my personal savior and if I just knuckle under and say 'Merry Christmas' instead of 'Happy Holidays.' But you know me, I do what I want and the most important thing in the world to me is 'keeping it real.'
I know they've suspended elections until the war with Mexico is over and until the next round of tax cuts, but I keep hoping that some how, some way, the cryogenically frozen head of the socialist rebel leader Bernie Sanders will get thawed out and lead us to victory.
Like I said, don't worry about me. I don't have it as tough as the leaders of the old gay agenda and the Hollywood liberals do. I'll keep my head down and pray that we'll all feel the Bern soon, once Israel gives back his frozen head that is.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015