Thursday, October 15, 2015

It's time for the Canadian Farm Report

Greetings Canada and all Canadians around the world, we hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.  Now that the growing season has ended and winter has set in it's time to look back on the past year in Canadian agriculture, if that's okay with all of you that is eh.

The good news is more young people than ever are going in to farming as a career.  All those ads telling kids that they're never going to be good enough hockey players to get in to the NHL have finally paid off.  Kids today are growing plants and raising animals instead of fighting while tottering on ice skates.  The only down side is that rates of alcoholism and depression haven't fallen yet, but hey, one thing at a time.

Many farming tools and implements have been modernized and updated for Canadian farmers.  Rakes are now longer and one day we hope to be able to buy some of those fancy tractors they have in the USA.

Hay stacking remains one of our strengths as a nation.  No one can stack hay better than us, so suck it Kazakhstan.

Canadian fruit farms out performed all expectations and this year's harvest was a record setter.  We grew a shitload of apples and we made a couple of gallons of apple sauce with all of them before the blizzards hit.  One day we hope to produce enough Apple sauce to feed Alberta or Medicine Hat at least. 

Canadian farm wives did their bit this past year.  They cooked up pots of weeds and any non rabid stray animal they could find to help feed their families all winter long. 

Fancy umbrellas for our plows were the new 'in' thing this year. 

Adjustments were finally made to Dr. Preminger's steam powered masturbation machine which meant that Canadian men could jerk off with out fear of turning their genitals into a bloody pulp, which in turn meant that farmers and field hands could look forward to a good steam powered wank after a long day on the farm. 

Horrific farm accidents involving cute children dipped a bit for the second year in a row but more needs to be done to keep the moppets from falling asleep on or near corn stalks, hay fields, and milking barns.

This year's Canadian farmer of the year hails from Moose Dropping, Saskatchewan.  His name is Benny DeJetts and he's a sprightly 29 years of age.  He runs a mink farm and he hopes one day to own his very own pair of overalls.  Ladies, he's single, he bathes twice a week, and his beard has been named a Canadian national treasure. 
That's the highlights of the year in Canadian farms and farming.  We're working hard to get more Canadian food on your tables, but seriously guys, you need to start eating more than just maple syrup, back bacon, and Kraft macaroni and cheese.

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