"We police professionals here at the Little League World Series are working hard to keep this national event a safe one for all, the players, the spectators, and everyone else. So y'all can understand why we were so shocked to hear about a black female throwing hard white objects at children. We immediately investigated this Negro agitator and we found her to be not a revolutionary hell bent on overthrowing the white capitalist order and nor did we find her to be radical lesbian sent out to recruit children into the gay lifestyle.
After much investigating we found out that she is actually a player on one of the teams and that she is in fact a pitcher on that team, that's why she's throwing things at white boys. We pledge to keep on eye on her though, and please know this in advance, if one of our guys shoots her, she brought it on herself. I'm not saying one of our guys will shoot her, but it's a very real possibility if she's all uppity and sassy."