Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Staffordshire! The gateway to Leeds!

A hearty hello from Staffordshire to all you Yanks and who ever else reads this blog.  We here at the Staffordshire Tourism Council, LTD would like to show you England's best kept secret, Staffordshire!  And we'd like you all to come visit because frankly, we need the money.

Here are just a few reasons why you need to come see us.
We've got bridges that you can walk across, unlike those bastards in Kent, we take care of our stone bridges.
The world hide and seek tournament is held in our 'lovely' community almost every year.  And we get to keep all persons who are not found during the tournament.  That's how we've slowly populated Staffordshire's China town.

 If the river isn't too polluted, then you can join our local population in bobbing for pike and eels.

There's plenty of parking in Staffordshire, unlike Kent.  Seriously, stop thinking about Kent.  We heard Kent is closed for repairs anyway.
The Antler Festival is held in Satffordshire.  Have you ever heard of Kent doing anything remotely as exciting as having an Antler Festival?  No.  No you have not.  Fuck Kent.  And the horse it rode in on.
By law parts of Staffordshire are still in black and white, unlike some other garish colored towns we could mention but won't.  (cough...cough...Kent...cough...cough)
Don't worry, you won't have to engage the local populace in awkward conversation, locals are under strict orders not to speak to tourists.
We have a stone doughnut.  And those stories you hear about local males who use it for fornication practice are pure nonsense and just to be on the safe side, all semen is cleaned off it hourly.
Like all towns in merry olde England, we have plenty of statues of old white guys in wigs.  And we encourage you to do funny poses with them!  So bring your cameras!
Kidnappings, child molestation, and ritualistic murders are down by 23% ever since we cleaned up our nature trails and began medicating troubled loners, disaffected drifters, Irish immigrants, and Gypsies.  So you and your loved ones will be much safer should you visit.
Please come to visit us.  We'd love to have you.  We've had all our shots, we paid our television license fees, and we've put countless witches to death, so what's stopping you?  Is it those fuckers in Kent?  Have they promised you something?  Tell us what it was and we'll match it.  And we'll buy you a drink at the pub.  We promise!


C said...

You are priceless. Thank you - massive smiles from an English woman, who lives, never has lived and never will live in Staffordshire. Or Kent.

C said...

Erm, of course I meant 'who DOES NOT live'...

Dr. Monkey Hussein Monkerstein said...

I had a feeling that's what you meant. Glad I made you smile friend.

gmb said...

Is Staffordshire the South Carolina of the UK?

mistah charley, ph.d. said...

i will probably never get there but i enjoyed the pictures