Hey kids, let Dr. Monkey help you with your...

That's right, it's time for me to answer some of the stacks of mail I get from teens across the country.

Dear Dr. Monkey,
I'm a guy who is 15 and all I think about is sex.  I get boners all the time and they are often unsightly and annoying.  What should I do about them?

My advice to you young man is to get a grip on the situation and to beat those unsightly boners into submission.  And if that doesn't work, think of a naked Joan Rivers French kissing your dad.

Dear Dr. Monkey,
I'm trapped in a small crawl space under a trailer somewhere near Omaha Nebraska.  Can you help?

Yes, but I'm kind of busy right now what with the holidays and all.  Get back to me after the first of the year and I'll see if we can work something out.

Dear Dr. Monkey,
I'm a hot teenage girl with a hot mom.  All the guys I date say she's a MILF.  Some even have dumped me to be with her.  What can I do to keep a boyfriend?

I'd be glad to help you young lady, but first answer me this: do you have 'daddy issues'?  Does the thought of a slightly overweight 50 year old guy with a bad hair cut and a quick wit with not much money in the bank turn you on or off?  Get back to me with your answer ASAP and we'll go from there.

Dr. Monkey:
If two squirrels traveling the speed of light on a train from Cincinnati hit a train traveling at the speed of sound outside of Buttwhistle Iowa, how long would it take for the squirrels to lick my nuts?

Everyone knows squirrels have a phobia about taking the train.  Stop wasting my time you little shit.


That's all I have time for today kids, tune in next week to my podcast and I'll interpretively dance all the responses to your letters.  So, stay happy, stay healthy, and stay the fuck away from me if you've got the bad cold that's going around.  See you young folks later!