Monday, June 4, 2012

No. Just No.

I watched nasty little horror flick last night and I can honestly say the best thing about it was the closing credits.

In a semi rural, which means it's probably supposed to be in the southern region of the USA, because hey, we all know those fuckers are savages and this kind of shit goes on all the time there, lives an attorney (Sean Bridgers), his wife (Angela Bettis), their teenage daughter (Lauren Ashely Carter), their pre teen son (Chris Krzykowski), and their young daughter (Shyla Molhusen).  The attorney gives off a strange controlling vibe the first few scenes and the rest of the family, except the little girl who is too young to notice or care, give off a creepy vibe as well.  The wife and daughter act like they're scared or brain damaged or something.  The son just acts odd.  They all live on a farm where they also keep a pack of dogs that are easily agitated.


The dad goes hunting one night and he spies a feral woman living in a cave near a creek near his farm.  He captures her, drags her home, slaps some manacles on her wrists and legs and he trusses her up in a cellar.  He then makes the mistake of getting his ring finger too close to her mouth and she bites part of it off and spits his wedding band back at him.  He gets over the loss pretty quick as he gathers his creepy family and he marches them out to the cellar to look at his new toy.  The family aren't all that surprised that daddy brought home a wild woman who's now strung up like Christmas lights in a cellar.  He calmly tells them they are going to clean her up and civilize her.  They seem cool with it, except for the eldest daughter, she looks all worried and brain damagey.  


The son and daughter have their little quirks at school while all of this if going down.  It becomes obvious that the daughter is pregnant and she's distraught over it and the son likes inflicting pain on the girls in his class.   The daughter's geometry teacher, who gives the flat out worst performance in a sea of bad performances in this film, decides to tell the girls mother that their daughter is pregnant because she's concerned about the girl.  


Meanwhile back on the farm the son has drilled a hole in the cellar door so he can spy on the feral woman and the dogs keep getting agitated.  One night when he thinks his wife has fallen asleep he sneaks off to go diddle the feral woman while she's trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey.  As he does his business the son spies on him and the wife is awake but she's too afraid to get up or say anything.  By this time in the movie it's obvious that the father is a nut job who beats his wife and eldest daughter, that he knocked up the eldest daughter, and that he's grooming the son to be like him.  And those god damned dogs keep barking like mad.


The creep factor gets slowly ratcheted up and by the time the horribly portrayed geometry teacher shows up at the house in a mini skirt after daddy has beaten mommy senseless, and you just know some even worse shit is about to go down.  And still those dogs bark and bark and bark.


The teacher tells the assembled family that she knows the eldest girl is preggers and of course daddy reacts badly to her news.  So he does what any sensible psycho would do, he beats the shit out of the teacher, ties her up, drags her outside, and tosses her in the big cage with the psycho barking dogs.  As the teacher gets bitten and barked at she slinks away in to a corner where she can get her some first class horror film shrieking on.  Then, from out of the doghouse in the dog cage comes the reason why the dogs bark so god damned much, it's another feral woman!  And this one think she's a dog!  She's blind as well, so that even more terrifying! Between the dogs and the feral dog woman they make short work of the teacher.


The knocked up daddy's girl manages to escape while the dad and son bond over watching the geometry teacher get eaten.  Knocked up Nellie frees the feral woman in the cellar, who once free cellar  feral gal attacks and kills the wife for not freeing her earlier.  Then our feral heroine makes her way to the barn where the dogs live and she kills the creepy son and she kills the dad by shoving a blade in him and opening up his stomach, reaching up in his chest cavity, and pulling out his still beating heart, which she promptly bites into as he watches.  The feral dog woman gets out and she's quickly shown who is the alpha feral woman in the new pack.

The feral gals make it outside and they run in to the knocked up Nellie, who's character name is Peggy, and her little sister.  Alpha feral woman decides to let teenager be because she freed her and showed her compassion but she takes the little girl to presumably raise and to teach her in the ways of the feral cannibal females that roam throughout the south.  

I hated this film.  It made me hate Sean Bridgers, who I loved in Deadwood.  It mad me hate lawyers, small towns, farms, teenagers, pre teen boys, feral woman, dogs, indie rock (the film makers slathered an oppressive indie rock score all over this cinematic crap sandwich), manacles, locks, and cheesy horror films.  I hated the violence against the women and I flinched every time one of the women got slapped, punched, and abused.  We are supposed to feel good that the bad man got his just desserts in the end but instead of feeling good when Bridgers character died, I felt dirty.  And I wished everyone involved with this film was dead.

This whole film is virulently anti woman and it's a piece of shit.  I'm sorry I saw it all the way through and I beg you not to make the same mistake I did.  Avoid this one.  AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

3 comments:

pureklass said...

Take heart - it might not be set in the south, it could totally be in Pennsylvania.

Devilham said...

how weird is it that that town is crawling with feral women, what are the chances???

gmb said...

Thank you for watching this so we don't have to. If I had a religion, what you did would be like a sacrament or something.