- "I'm not entirely sure how to properly do this task that I need to get done, if only someone from the Midwest or New York city could come down here and tell me how to do it. Repeatedly."
- "Paula Deen is a totally accurate representation of people all over the south."
- "The toothbrush was invented here in the south because if it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called a 'teethbrush'."
- "No, I wouldn't care for any more banana pudding."
- "I find Gunter Grass novels a bit too wordy and symbolic for my taste."
- "I wish it snowed more and stayed cold longer here."
- "The stereotypes about people and life here in the south are totally true. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go out to the couch that's on top of the car in my yard and screw my sister before I go down to the banjo jamboree for unemployed Baptist ministers."
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