Here's what I think about some pressing issues and current events:
- The death of Whitney Houston- Girl, what took you so long? I had you down for a drug related death years ago.
- CPAC- Call me when they aren't being over the top stupid racist idiots who hate black people, gays, and Hispanics.
- The Grammys- Don't give a flying fuck and I haven't ever since I stopped being a teenager.
- Lap Top Shooting Dad-He's a colossal douchebag and it's obvious where his kid got her sense of entitlement from. If he could have shot his daughter and got away with it, he would have done it because she obviously had it coming for emasculating him on the internet. He's scum and if you are one of the minority who is cheering him on, then fuck you.
- Mitt's 'cheating' ways- Santorum says Mitt cheated to win the meaningless CPAC straw poll, Ron Paul says Mitt cheated to win the Maine caucuses. Holy shit, the modern Republican party is made up of whiny twats who live to blame others for their failures.
- Fraudulent breast cancer charities- Komen for the Cure is a criminal enterprise. If you give them one penny of your money, it's one penny more than they deserve. The last thing those twats want is a cure for breast cancer because the day it's cured, that's the day they'd all be out of a job.
- Austerity riots in Greece and Portugal- Hey governments who keep doing the bidding of the World Bank and the IMF when it's clear your citizens do not want the austerity packages you're forcing on them, I've got two words for you: French revolution. Here's a few more words: your citizens are sharpening the guillotine blades.
- Roman Catholic Bishops- Old men in dresses who fuck little boys don't need birth control, so why should they be forced to let women have it? It's not like those women want that shit anyway...oh wait, what? They do want it? Well then, fuck you old dudes in dresses who fuck little boys.
- Hypocrite Catholic politicians- Fuck you Santorum. You're suddenly concerned about what the old fags who fuck little boys want? If you're all in on the birth control, abortion, and marriage equality issues your church preaches, why the fuck aren't you on the climate change and health care for all bandwagons too? Your church is for doing something about climate change and for giving free health care to all people everywhere, why the fuck aren't you as well?
- Beer that tastes like grapefruit juice- Stop it. Brewers, stop making that vile shit or at least put a label on the bottles so I don't have to waste my money on a six pack that tastes like grapefruit piss water. I mean it. This is not negotiable.
- Justine Waddell- Why did it take me so long to discover you Ms. Waddell? I could have been carrying a torch and secretly crushing on you for years had I discovered you earlier. Please British film and TV industry, stop hoarding and hiding beautiful women like Ms. Waddell and give a monkey a heads up on them when you discover them, will you? Thanks.
"Hello? May I speak to Dr. Monkey? This is Justine Waddell, I'm naked right now and I need to talk to him."