Monday, September 12, 2011

Final report from Camp Ron Paul (the Libertarian tea bagger summer camp of choice!)

A great summer was had by all here Camp Ron Paul. It was our best year yet. We had over 50 percent of campers parents pay in gold bullion, which we promptly put in our Ayn Rand Vault for safekeeping in advance of the collapse of the corrupt US/ZOG controlled economy! Some parents paid in silver, others in scrip, and we beat up the one set of parents who tried to pay us in food stamps.

Anyhoo, it was busy, busy, busy here all summer long. Once kids were dropped off for each two week session we put them on a steady diet of breef jerky, 'breef' is 51 percent beef and 49 percent raccoon that was harvested in our woods by campers from previous sessions. They wash all that 'nutritious' and 'wholesome' food down with Birch flavored Kool-Aid:

Once the burning sensations subsided and they stopped pissing blood, the fun began!
The campers were lead on long forced marches in to the woods. Once they were deep in the woods we lectured them on the evils of the Federal Reserve, interracial marriage, and orange marmalade. Then we stole their pants and blasted German techno music at them until they were so disoriented that they'd believed that up was down and that Milton Friedman was Jesus.
When the weakest campers finally recovered from the nature hikes, we let them ease back in to camp life by building homes for the homeless. We don't actually let any homeless people have these homes, we just used them as bait to lure them out to our camp where we used them for target practice on our Rand Paul Semi Automatic Firing Range and Discotheque.

In other charitable endeavors we laced clothes that we later donated to the Salvation Army and thrift stores near liberal colleges and universities with anthrax, itching powder, and Old Spice. We did this in the hopes that the poor people and ironic hipsters who bought them would die quickly thereby saving us hard working Libertarians from having to support them financially.

After our charity work was done we lightened up and had some fun with the kids from the homosexual camp across the lake from us. We snuck over in boats and we threw hornet and wasp nests at the little fruits and we laughed and laughed.
Their god Harvey Milk couldn't save them from the wrath of the stingers!

On days when Congressman Paul and his friends came to speak to our campers we made them take the flag down so that our Libertarian leaders could wrap themselves in it while they imparted their wisdom upon our oh so eager to learn little campers.

We didn't neglect sports here at Camp Ron Paul, after all what good is a sound Libertarian mind without a sound Libertarian body? We tossed many a child in the cold waters of Lake Goldwater where they either learned to swim or sank like stones. Other athletic endeavors we let our campers enjoy included running through fields that were chock full of feces coated punji sticks, chasing unarmed liberals, and carrying large rocks which symbolized the tax debt that our government so unfairly saddles us all with.

Many local children wanted to join in on the fun here at Camp Ron Paul but had to rebuff them because in many cases they were either of Indian, Jewish, Negro, or Oriental ethnicity. You have our word that we keep, and will forever keep, Camp Ron Paul racially pure!

We look forward to seeing many more white campers at next year's sessions! So until then, remember our motto here at Camp Ron Paul:

Libertarians uber alles!
Go Galt or go home!


ReaderRita said...

Would that be John Birch flavored Kool-Aid, or Birch tree? Heheheh...

Mnmom said...

How many paid in Confederate money? Sad thing is they would LOVE to run a camp like this!

dguzman said...

Pure genius, Monkey.

And you have to give Paul credit for being the least racist of the repug candidates. He actually tried to say that we shouldn't blame all muslims for the actions of the few extremists. Of course, per Truthout, the audience booed.

Batocchio said...

Well done, Dr. MHM.

zencomix said...


James Martin said...

I am enlightened. It was not until I actually saw "in print" the names "Ayn Rand" and "Ron Paul" that it dawned on me what shitty taste Ron Paul has in literature: he named his son after a total idiot who could not write her way out of a wet paper bag, the hag.