Thursday, June 2, 2011

New submission guidelines

Here's the new submission guidelines for this blog:

  • If you're thinking of submitting an article, joke, or poem, don't. Seriously, just don't. I write this stuff and there is no way you're more interesting, more funny, or more politically insightful than I am. You're just not, that's the truth and you need to deal with it.
  • However, should you feel compelled to send something, send it to the regular address and not to the address in London. I don't get to London as often as I like and I can't find anyone trustworthy enough to collect that mail over there so just send your submissions to the US address and I'll look at them when I get time.
  • I'm warning you though, if you send poetry I'll hunt you down and make you wish you'd never been born. Reading your poetry will send me into fits of foaming at the mouth rage. I'm not kidding, if you send me poetry, rhyming or blank verse, I'll fucking hurt you.
  • Don't expect me to return anything you send. If you send self addressed stamped envelopes I'll steam off the postage and use it for my own purposes.
  • I reserve the right to edit what you send and more often than not, I'll edit it to make you look dumb. I know, I know, it's juvenile of me but holy hell, it amuses me to no end to do that type of shit, so just expect it.
  • Don't send counterfeit or play money to me. If you must send cash, then make sure it's US currency. No coins either, and yes, that means no rare coins.
  • If on the off chance I do publish your submission unedited and I give you a byline, don't expect payment. What the fuck do I look like? A bank? No, I do not. I don't get paid to write this shit so why should you get any money?
  • If I do slip up and send you money for your piece, then you're required to send it back to me, unless you decide to spend it on booze, hookers, or vintage porno mags. And yes, I'll need to see receipts.
  • Once again, thanks for your interest and I beg you, don't send me any submissions. Now go away. I mean it. Go outside and enjoy the warm weather. And poke something with a stick, poke that shit like you mean it.


Brian Busby said...

That thing about poetry, are you just talking about text? What I mean is, do the same guidelines apply to my recorded verse? And if so, does that include the stuff that's accompanied by autoharp?

Just want to be clear.

Ellis Nadler said...

Now that's what I call poetry.

Blueberry said...

How about haiku?
If I send you a haiku
will you forgive me?