Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Today on The 1970's Overly Earnest Afterschool Special: The Christmas Miracle

Jimmy knew something wasn't right. He knew it in his bones. The life he had come to live didn't seem true, it didn't seem right. But he couldn't put his finger on what was wrong...
Then one day after Thanksgiving it hit him. He figured out that he wasn't real. Sure he existed on some plane somewhere, but where he lived didn't look like it did on TV. He seemed to be poorly illustrated most of the time and he didn't like it. He wanted to be like the people on TV. However he didn't know how to go about it. So he sought out help. He went to his mother and asked her why they both were poorly illustrated and not real.
"Jimmy, don't talk of such things. We're real as real can be. And I'd call us murkily drawn instead of 'poorly illustrated.' Now go upstairs and get your homework done before my new husband gets home. You know he doesn't like you, so don't go asking him things when he gets home or there might be trouble."

On his way up to his tiny room Jimmy's mind flashed back to a happier time before his dad died from that drug overdose that the union bosses foisted on him. He remembered the times his dad ignored him and those memories brought a tear to Jimmy's good eye.
Jimmy stood there in the hallway of their poor but humble home ruminating and ruing the day his lost his eye in shop class and thinking about his dad's strange taxidermy hobby when all at once his step dad barged in and shouted, "Jimmy! get your ass down here!"
Trembling like a frightened little rabbit, Jimmy ran down the stairs to see what his ogre of a step dad wanted. His step dad said, "Boy, you got it too easy around here. From now on you're gonna be a boxer. And I'm gonna take bets on which round you're gonna get knocked out in and I'll win every time! I'll get rich and after you get too brain damaged to care, I'll pimp out your ma."

"But I don't wanna fight!," cried Jimmy. "I just wanna be real." He step dad punched Jimmy and said, "That's real. That pain is real you little punk. Now dry up those tears Nancy and learn to be a punch drunk fighter who knows when to take a dive."
Just as his step dad was about to clobber Jimmy one more time, Jimmy's mom clobbered her husband with a frying pan and knocked him out. She said to Jimmy, "Run! Get out of here! Save yourself, I'm resigned to a life of prostitution but you can still make something of yourself." As Jimmy ran out of the house he heard his mother say, "You'll be real one day Jimmy, I know you will! Be open to what life brings you now that you're free and look for omens, signs, portents, and get a job so you can send money back home!"

Jimmy ran out and hopped a train that just happened to be passing by and on that train he met some nice hobos.
They served him a supper of rancid pork and beans after he gave them a hand job and then before they settled in to sing some sea chanties before they drifted off to sleep Jimmy asked, "You guys seem hip and happenin', do you know by chance how I can leave being poorly illustrated behind and become real like the people on TV?" His question angered the hobos because they didn't want to consider the proposition that they might not be real so they decided to toss Jimmy off the train.

Luckily enough for Jimmy, the train was running alongside a huge cliff that overlooked the ocean. Jimmy tore his clothes off in mid air and he dove in the frigid waters.
The ocean that day had been majorly fucked with by wizards and Southern Baptists and when Jimmy made his way to the surface, he was magically transformed into
a teenage girl.

He wondered what the hell he was going to do now that he was a girl, still not real, and all alone and on his own in the big wide world. Just then he got a visitor.
"Jimmy, it's me your late father. I'm sorry for ignoring you for all those years and I'm here to help you now. What you need to do is the following: change your name to Jimmi, stop letting the omniscient narrator of this blog post refer to you with male pronouns, get out of the water, and ask the Christmas Crow to bestow his blessings on upon you." His father began to vanish but before he did, he said, "Oh yeah, and get a job too. You can't let your mother turn to a life of prostitution. She'll never make enough off selling her body to feed herself."

So Jimmi made his way, oops, sorry, her way up the steep cliff. When she got to the top the saw that everything had changed and she was no longer in the murky watercolor world. Everything was black and white and a crow sat on a fence.
"Well kid," the crow said, "What you got to say for yourself?"

Jimmi said, "I just want to be real. I want to be like the people on TV. I beseech you, if indeed you are the Christmas Crow. I beseech you to bestow your blessing upon me and to make me real." The crow smiled and rose up off the fence and he shat on Jimmi's head. When the shit hit her head Jimmi turned blue and she grew into a beautiful woman.
"Hey wait Christmas Crow," Jimmi cried as the big bird flew off. "I'm not real yet! Come back, shit on me again, make me real!" The crow circled back and said, "Give it a minute kid. Holy hell, you're an impatient one aren't you."

A few seconds later Jimmi turned into a super hot real live girl.
And even though she had to deal with sexism, the patriarchy, PMS, and constantly being hit on by all manner of horny dudes, her wish had come true and she was real as real could get. Once she got settled into her life as an extreme sports calendar model she sent money home to her mother so that she could get out of whoring. However, her mother discovered that she liked whoring herself out so she ran for Congress and got elected. And the miracle of the story is that her mother held on to her seat in Congress after facing a tough challenge from a Tea Bagger backed insurgency candidate in the 2010 mid term elections.

This overly earnest afterschool special has been brought to you by two hits of mescaline and a bottle of tequila. Thanks for tuning in!

1 comment:

K.Line said...

Strangely, your Xmas card arrived as I was reading this! Thanks, S. Hope you have a lovely, relaxing time with terrific food. xo