Good evening every body and thanks for tuning in to my 2010 Christmas special. This year's show is going to be the best yet now that I'm off the crystal meth, kicked my hoarding addiction, and turned my life over to right wing rifle totin' Jesus. So you sit back, relax, and enjoy It's a Monkey Christmas After All!
Let's open with a song, shall we? I think we shall!
It's Christmas but love and cheer and goodwill are under constant attack.
So join with me won't you and let's save Christmas,
let's keep it clean,
let's make this Christmas the best one the world has ever seen!
It's Christmas, if you're a baby Jesus hater then you're a stupid twit,
and if you talk that anti Christian bull jive around me then on you I'll toss my shit...
'Cos God and Jesus and Santa Claus made this special time of year,
so you better get with the program or I'll deport you out of here.
Yes, it's Christmas, the only religious holiday that really matters
and if you celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Ramadan, then you're as mad as hatters!
Welcome back to the show! As you can see I'm floating on the Bacon Cheeseburger of Peace and Christmas Understanding. And I'm floating southward to a different country to bring them the story and warmth of Christmas...I wonder where I'll end up? Hang on, I spy land ahead!
Holy shit, I'm in New Zealand. Okay then, I'll show these heathens what Christmas is all about. I'll give them some sweet sweet Belgian beer:
And I'll join with the Harlem Boys Choir and we'll sing Silent Night at the Maori until they accept Jesus.
The pagans and atheists paid me good money and promised me clean diapers for life if I took over your pathetic Christmas special.
Oh, hey Baby Hitler, you look thirsty man, here, have a bottle of egg nog...
Thanks! Nom, nom, nom, hey, did you spike this shit? I'm feeling light headed...so very sleepy now...must sleep...god damn you...zzzzzz...
It's a Christmas miracle! Baby Hitler fell for the oldest trick in the book, the spiked baby bottle full of egg nog. Get him out of here and put him in a manger somewhere.
Oh hey, I see it's time for a word from my trusty Negro sidekick:
"Happy Christmas every one...hey did that racist motherfucker just call me a 'Negro?' That's it, I quit! Fuck this shit."
It's another Christmas miracle! My costs just went way down now that I lost my trusty Negro sidekick and lower costs mean higher profits! And you can rest assured I'll pass those profits along to you.
Don't forget that I'll be performing with the Oak Ridge Boys on New Years Eve. We'll be playing at the Metrodome in Minneapolis, so come on out if you're in the area!
In the early evening we'll be doing a gospel show for the kids and then after midnight we'll be working blue. Don't miss it!
Now please welcome the Two Fat Ladies to the show!
Ladies, how about a song?
naked as the day we were born,
let's get naked this Christmas,
and look at some hardcore porn...
After all Jesus was born naked and bare,
so let's get naked this Christmas
and watch our naughty bits shrivel up in the cold winter air..."
I'll give candy to naughty little elves...
And I'll share a Yule log with Maribel Verdu...
So don't go anywhere, sit tight, and enjoy this special holiday message from the National Condom Council...
"Uh, hi...I'm Bob Nuggwiffle and I'm from the FCC. We've shut down Dr. Monkey's Christmas special because we just found out that he was working with Julian Assange to transmit leaked Christmas secrets via coded messages in the songs and dance numbers on the show. And we also pulled the plug on this thing because it sucked huge hairy balls. Seriously, it stank. Go watch something, anything else. Trust me, we did you a favor. So go, go on, go watch something else, or we'll come to your house and make you watch Kate Plus Eight and that god awful Sarah Palin show on TLC. I mean it. I'm not fucking around here. Oh, one more thing, happy holidays everyone!"