Commodore Capitalist and the Crisis of Conscience

One day Commodore Capitalism suddenly out of nowhere developed a conscience and he felt sorry for all the bad things that the capitalism had done to the people the whole world over. He confessed to his butler, "Jeeves old boy, I'm feeling ill about misery, injustice, and harm capitalism has done to the poor, to the working classes, to women, to the Negroes, to the Latinos, to the children, to everyone! I've been chosen by God himself to promote and uphold this economic system through any means necessary and yet now I see all the harm that our rapacious greed hath wrought. The economic system that benefits my friends and family is crushing those who would have no truck with it and it's destroying the very planet we live on! What ever shall I do now that I have seen what the horrors has capitalism done?"
Jeeves said meekly, "Perhaps sir could now find it within his heart to give me a raise so that my son may finally get that heart transplant that he's had his eye on?"

"Jeeves, old man, you're fired," shot back Commodore Capitalism. "And don't even think of asking for any severance pay or a recommendation. Get out of my mansion before I throw you out you despicable ruffian."

The sad butler left his employer and he wandered the streets spreading the news that Commodore Capitalism had gone soft and was questioning the very economic system that he was sworn to uphold at any cost.
"He fired me after I asked for a raise so that my son could get a heart transplant operation..."

"Here now, wot's unusual about that? You ask fer a raise, you git fired, that's how it is," said the stranger who Jeeves had told his story to.

"Right you are guv, but in the old days before he went soft on capitalism, he would have fired me, beat me up, and dragged me through the streets to the hovel that I share with my family, whereupon he would have disemboweled me in front of them."

"Blimey," said the stranger, "he 'as gone soft, ain't he."

When word of all this reached President John Q. Moneybags Bush-Clinton the Fourth, he was incensed, so incensed in fact that he had the FBI track down and murder all the people Jeeves had blabbed to. Then he ordered them to beat Jeeves up and have him dragged through the streets to his home whereupon he and his family were disemboweled.

Still the word spread.


"Oh heavens, Commodore Capitalism has gone soft. He's questioning our right as rich white people to use up all the world's resources as we see fit, to treat people with dark skin like so much chattel, and to make the peasants and serfs our wage slaves!"

"That wastrel deserves a good trashing I say! A GOOD THRASHING!"

"Harrummmph!"

Then the unthinkable happened, Commodore Capitalism decided to go out to see what life was like for those who did not earn over $250,000 a year.

"I'll just go see for myself how the lower classes live," he said as he rode off into the slums.

Once inside the nearest slum he stopped a worker and asked him how he would make the world a better place if given the chance. The worker said, "I'd make sure that people like me got paid a living wage that could lift my family out of poverty. I'd make them bosses stop taking all the profits for themselves and make them share it with the people who made them rich. I'd make health care free for all people and I'd make sure all workers were in a union or trade guild..."

Commodore Capitalism could bear no more of the working man's prattle so he bitched slapped the man and he kicked him in the balls while he was down.

Meanwhile, across town the Capitalist Cabal was convening.
"Something's got to be done about Commodore! He's not protecting us properly. Those bastard workers are starting to organize. They're grumbling that we don't pay them enough and that we don't pay our fair share of taxes!"

"How dare they suggest we pay taxes! How dare they organize! Those ungrateful wretches, I'll see they all burn in hell."

"Question capitalism? Those god damn dirty Commie socialist pigs!"

Suddenly the door to the Capitalist Cabal Clubhouse burst open and in walked Commodore Capitalism! He stared them trio of hard bitten capitalist fat cats down and he said, "This was all a test to see if you men still believed in the free market system and in the God given right of the white upper class to use capitalism to keep ourselves in power. I had to know that you all backed unregulated unrestrained capitalism and would be willing to defend it with your very lives if need be!"

The men roared with laughter. "Us? Give our lives to keep our soul crushing system afloat? Oh my no, we'll pit the workers against each other and we'll use those Bronze age religions to keep them in line, so we're going to rule forever!"

A smile crept across Commodore Capitalism's smooth face. Before he rode off he told the men, "Where ever a union is being formed, I'll be there to stop it. Where ever someone demands worker's compensation after a work place accident, I'll be there to silence them. When someone asks for a raise I'll be there to get them fired. When someone suggests we pay more in taxes, I'll be there to raise theirs. When some sick kid with an incurable disease drains the profits of a hospital, I'll be there to pull the plug on the little bastard. When some Negro, female, or Latino demands that they be paid the same as a white man, I'll be there to make sure they get a pay cut. When someone speaks ill of this blessed economic system that has made us wealthy beyond our wildest dreams and that allows us to treat the world like it's our play toy, then I shall be there to call them a god damned dirty Commie and to discredit them any way I can. Gentlemen, I shall be ever vigilant and on guard to keep rich white male privilege and glorious capitalism alive!"
And then as Commodore Capitalism rode off into the night, the men of the Capitalist Cabal Club slapped each other on the back, lit cigars with $1000 bills, and sexually harassed the poor but honest buxom young waitress who brought them their snifters of brandy.