Thursday, July 8, 2010

White people in the news

Glenda Hopkins and her mother Glinda were arrested for suspicion of prostitution and operating a hair salon without sufficient amounts of Barbicide. They pled guilty and were sentenced to 100 hours of interpretive dancing and underarm cleaning.

Jimmy Smith found out about Facebook and Twitter this week. He hated both of them so much that he invented a time machine and took himself back into the past where he forced both men who fathered the inventors of those social networking websites to pull out and shoot their loads outside the window, thereby insuring that neither Twitter or Facebook would not be invented at a later date. When Jesus heard about what Jimmy had done, he smote him and he went ahead and created Twitter and Facebook.

The Golden Years Lesbian Book Society reluctantly agreed to purge all the umlauts from the literary oeuvre of Henry Miller.

Hank Hansen retired from his job of wrestling heavy bulky industrial equipment into place. He plans on spending his few remaining years shouting slogans about how much of a threat the government is to his Social Security and Medicare. He's also planning on opening a small business that will make misspelled signs for teabagger rallies.

The busybodies down the street have ratcheted up their fear of black folks, Mexicans, and inhabitants of the Marshall Islands. They've also started to fear Minnesota, flavored teas, open toed sandals, and Greeks bearing cookies.

And finally Brian Poindexter was over joyed when he received a coupon from Dick Wang's House of Happy Endings for fifty cents off any order of twenty dollars or more.

Stay tuned for more news about white people and remember not to forget that Monkey Muck is your number one source for news about the doings of white folks.

8 comments:

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Well, to be fair, many of us fear open toed sandals. They really are almost flip flops and flip flops are the devil's summer footwear.

jadedj said...

Well this is an interesting read, but since I have freckles, I am looking for something in between white folks and brown peoples news. We are the forgotten minority, you know.

Mnmom said...

Gadzooks what would I do without you Dr. Monkey? Thanks for keeping me informed about those crazy white folks. I believe those women afraid of Minnesota are my fault - I scared them.

SkylersDad said...

I know Hank, he works out at the gym I go to in the mornings.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

How will we survive without the umlauts?

XUP said...

I didn't know Jesus was such a fan of social networking

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Jesus likes having all the friends on Facebook and followers on Twitter. Who knows why, because he works in such mysterious ways.

Blueberry said...

Someone should tell the GYLBS ladies that Molotov Cocktails are not served at polite social functions.