Monday, July 19, 2010

Here's a very special guest post by Whoopi Goldberg

What's up y'all? I hear some of you people be hatin' on me for defending Roman Polanski, Michael Vick, and Mel Gibson. Some of y'all been saying that I'm a Hollywood apologist and shit. Well, you what? It's true, I am an apologist for folks out here. You all got no idea what it's like to live and work under the constant glare of the hot lights and what it's like to be a Hollywood star. It's a tough job and an even tougher life. And for every Hollywood fuck up who I defend, there a bunch that I haven't publicly said anything about.

Until now that is. It's time for me to set you crackers straight on some of my other Hollywood friends. So here goes:
Robert Blake didn't murder his wife. I been out shootin' at homeless people with Bobby and I know for a fact that he couldn't hit the broadside of a skid row homeless shelter with his gun shootin' skills. His dead wife grabbed his hand and she made him pull that trigger.

Y'all need to step off of my boy Gary Busey. He's not bat shit cray like they like to say he is. I been out masturbating wild turkeys with him and he's nice as anything. I swear. Anything they say about him is a lie.

Larry Flynt. Nobody loves women more than Larry Flynt. If he didn't love them so much he wouldn't be giving so many of them work. And he wouldn't let them be all pretty and shit in his magazines and DVD's. And I know what I'm talking about because one time I drunk his colostomy bag and I got wasted out of my head and Larry watched my kids while I rode my drunk out.
That Russian spy woman? Sheee-it, she's the nicest thing ever. Me and her swapped spit and some almost declassified pentagon files once and we had the best time ever. I love her like a sister.

And finally, y'all got the wrong idea about Jessee James. Me and him got blind drunk, wasted on meth, and went to a Nazi gang bang where he poured out his heart to me. He told me that Sandra Bullock wouldn't get freaky on his deaky like his ex wife the porn start did, so he had to sleep around.

Now you all run along and stop believing everything you read in Us Enquirer People Who Are In Touch magazine. I got to run, I'm meeting with Pope Ratso and we're going to check some young choir boys for hernias.

See ya on The View!


Anonymous said...

Thanks for settin' us straight Woopsie. You're a credit to your sex, race and mental disability.

Margaret Benbow said...

Makes about as much sense as a Whoopie cushion.

Kelley said...

I am now going to vomit from the thought of a colostomy bag shake. I may giggle while I am vomiting, but...vomit I will.