Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Presenting The Mighty Crap-ola, conservative magician extraordinaire

Good day everyone! I'm here to explain a conservative magic trick to you.

Watch closely now. Here we go.

I'm going to show you how conservatives in Congress, both Democrat and Republican, busted the federal budget and wasted the surplus Bill Clinton left us.
My wand represents deregulation and this newspaper represents federal oversight under George W. Bush.
We waved our wand of deregulation all over the federal oversight and we said the magic words, "9/11 changed everything. Freedom! America!" And we made federal oversight and cumbersome regulations on big business disappear. The magic words also made taxes lower for the people who could best afford to pay them, the rich and well off.
Then we took what happened on September 11th, 2001 and we said more magic words, "Terrorism, World War 3, Muslims, weapons of mass destruction!," and suddenly we found ourselves in not one
but two, count them, TWO wars!

We combined those open ended wars with the tax cuts for the wealthy, a sluggish economy, and we cut huge holes in the social safety net because we had to give that money to the military industrial prison factory farm complex and there you go.
(Give it up for my lovely assistant Morty Wisenhummer! And he great? We're in love and in a committed relationship but since we're modern conservatives we've got to stop gays like us from ever getting married because we favor government out of our lives except when it pertains to what goes down in our bedrooms.)
Now almost ten years later our great trick has left the country in a shitty state. We're going bankrupt because we've got the Democrats by the balls over raising taxes on the wealthy and the wars of terror will never ever end. We're pretty pleased because we fucked the liberals so hard on all of this. The only problem is we need money to fix it and since we can't ask big business for it, it's got to come out of your end. Hey, quit bitching, if you gave us money to stay in office so we could rape you more we'd take it easy on you.

So our next trick is we're going to take more of your take home pay and give you less government services for it. And we're going to blame the black guy you people elected for every mistake we made and will make in the future.

Abracadabra bitches!

2 comments:

Wings said...

Not a magician I want at my party.

XUP said...

Hey! I think this dude did a whole season in Canada, too!!