It's that time of year!

My 2009 Christmas special will be hitting the airwaves pretty soon so check your local listings. This year's special tops all the ones we ever done in the past. We didn't let a sour economy slow us down or make us scrimp on Christmas entertainment, no sir!

For instance, we got the Carl Douglas Kung Fu Dancers do whip us up a little Christmas modern dance medley:
And my co host this year is Tom Selleck's brother Kenny:
He and I will have some really fun totally scripted banter and we'll sing a medley of holiday songs that will include, "Santa's Spooge," "Christmas in My Pants, New Year's Eve In a Trance," "Passive Aggressive Christmas," and "I Just Want to be in a Fugue Like State This Xmas."

As always we'll raffle off a deformed potato and a couch that we stole from an unnamed trailer park: All proceeds will go to the Mark Sanford Appalachian Trail foundation.

After the raffle I'll welcome the cast of New Moon

onstage with me and we'll reenact the holiday scenes from The Matrix and Lord of the Flies.

Next up I'll take a break and slam down a few Heineken's while Tidbit the Wonder Baby makes holiday themed drawings out of his own poo.
After that I'll be keepin' it real with the teens of today as I tell them all about the true meaning of Christmas, drugs, and how to find a decent training bra:
Next, my super special guest star
First Lady Michelle Obama will join me onstage and we'll smile awkwardly at one another.

Donny and Marie
will be joining us as well and we'll end the show by going caroling with
Tiger Wood's new girlfriend.

So as you can see I've spared no expense for this years show. I even went all out on the 'goody bags.' All the ladies will get:

And the gents get:

Due to contractual obligations Canadian viewers can see this years Christmas special only in certain parts of Prince Edward Island and in one tavern in New Brunswick. So if you live in Canada and can't see the show, don't get pissed at me, blame your Prime Minister.

Happy holidays!