Two conversations I wish I had had

Back before my heart attack five years ago I went to the gym three or fours days a week, I had started going to the gym the year I had my heart attack in order to stave off having a heart attack but it didn't work. Anyway, one evening after working out I was sitting in the steam room working up a good sweat
when a goofy looking gangly doofus walked in and sat across from me. I could tell right away he was one of those guys who wanted to talk so I did my best to avoid eye contact with him and that brought me about two minutes of peace. He finally couldn't take it anymore and be blurted out, "I'm in investments." I said nothing and closed my eyes hoping he'd get the hint that I didn't want to talk to him. But he took my silence as permission to keep talking. He said, "Yeah, investments. I give Christians investment advice. That's my job." I was determined not to take his bait so I remained silent with my eyes closed and my laid back against the wall. "Yep," he continued, "I advise Christians where to invest their money." I may have farted at that point to try to shut him up or run him out but the smug little peckerwood continued, oblivious to my attempts to ignore him, "Now you may not think Christians need investment advice but boy, they sure as heck do!"

It was at that point that I should have said, "Yeah, they need to be told not to invest in companies that pollute willfully and those that try to downplay climate change. They need to avoid companies that make weapons, bullets, and other murderous devices. They need to be told to invest in companies that treat and pay women the same as they treat and pay men. And they need to be told to invest in companies that are committed to social, economic, and sexual justice and equality."

However, what I actually said was, "Can you not see I'm ignoring you? Now, please leave me the hell alone or I'll go to the front desk and lodge a complaint against you." That shut him up long enough for me to finish my steaming.


Back when I sold for Myers Tire Supply I used to work with manufacturers reps from time to time and one day I was working with a rep from a company that made a line of tire changers and wheel balancers that we carried. He was a stereotypical testosterone driven salesman, which meant he was homophobic, racist, and misogynist. In between sales calls that morning he started bitching about a pair of shoes his wife had bought for him. They looked like this:
He kept saying he thought they were 'gay.' He said, "I don't know why my wife bought me gay shoes."

At that point what I should have said was, "I do. It's because she wants you to turn gay. She knows that all gay men are oversexed and wildly insatiable and they live to pounce on and have gay sex with straight men so they can turn them gay. It's a fact. They love sex so much that they have it all the time and they quickly run out of other gay gays to have sex with so they then start searching out straight guys who dress gay, like you. She thinks that if some gay guy sees you in those shoes he'll have no choice but to make you have gay sex with him. I'm pretty sure all women who have been married as long as you and her have want the same thing."

But what I said was, "Holy fuck man, you're an idiot. Now shut your yap and let's go sell some equipment so I can get rid of you."