If chaps had an ass in them they'd be called pants. So please stop using the phrase 'assless chaps.' Or don't, you may actually like sounding like an idiot.Sincerely yours,
Dr. Monkey
Dear People Who Email Me Monkey Related Stuff:
Keep it up, you people are feckin' awesome. I mean it. Really.Yours in simian love,
Dr. Monkey
Dear Women at the Movie Theatre Who Talked All Through Julie & Julia:
Did you two never learn any manners? Or is it all right to blab through an entire movie just because you paid for your own tickets?
Seriously, you two blabbermouths had better be glad Sparky was with me at the time or I would have reminded you that you weren't the only ones who paid to see that movie and that you needed to be respectful of everyone else by keeping your traps shut. Seriously gals, you weren't at home watching Titanic for the hundredth time or some piece of shit on Lifetime Movie Network, you were in public amongst others who paid to see and hear the movie on the screen.
I'll be glad to buy you both a tall cup of 'shut the fuck up' next time we all go to the same movie. Deal?
Angrily yours,
Dr. Monkey
Dear Middle Aged Realtor Dudes in North Carolina:
The Blues Brothers? Are you fucking kidding me?
Which one of you thought it would be a good idea for you to put your picture of you dressed as characters from a 30 year old movie on a billboard? Guys, even Ackroyd and Belushi didn't look good dressed up as the Blues Brothers, so what makes you think you do? You cats are middle aged douchebags, I'm betting one or both of you drives a Corvette because you think it's 'cool' and you both probably hit on your daughter's college girlfriends.I'd tell you two to be yourselves and to stop trying to co-opt other personas to try to help you sell your over priced real estate but you're too damn stupid to listen to me. So I'll have to settle for begging you two to stop giving the rest of us middle aged guys a bad name.
Disgustedly yours,
Dr. Monkey
7 comments:
That sure is some fine rantin' there, Dr. Monkey. You sure told THEM!
Pamper your primate LOL!
I have worn both pants and chaps and there is more than a subtle difference. Even if the chaps had an ass to them there would be a difference, but I'm with you on the assless chaps thing. I had never heard of such a thing until the Mad Max movie came out. Perhaps it is leftover from then but that seems to be a strange start for something in our lexicon.
I wish I had something monkey related to send you but the children have all but destroyed our stockpile. Maybe this winter I can carve you one out of soap so that it will be both functional and beautiful. After all, you are a man who deserves the very best.
As for the knock-off Blues Brothers, I'm sure Beezlebub has a devil put aside for them. God I hate a shill, but a two-bit imitation is even worse.
Doc
I'm with you on everything. Nothing "chaps" my hide (ha!) more than people who talk or text at the movies. I pay 10$ and I want to sit in the dark and watch the Hell out of a movie!!!
Going out in public would be fun if it weren't for annoying people.
Also, could you please write a letter to weathermen who say "seasonal for this time of year"?
I just hate immitations that miss the irony in what they are doing. Nothing sadder than an aging hipster dofus except maybe two of them. I can just see them discussing the billboard and getting all excited that THIS was the best they could come up with. Way to target that demographic boys.
Man, I wish I lived near you and could come over and have a beer every now and then.
Magnifique!
It seems like every movie I go to somebody is taking throughout the entire movie. They usually sit right in front or back of me. It's why I seldom go the movies anymore. I wait until Netflix gets the movie.
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