Hold the Mint Julep, I think I'll sit this one out

This time of year when the Kenutcky Derby and high school prom season rolls around is forever bittersweet for me.

When I was in college the end of the academic year coincided with the running of the Kentucky Derby and the end of the academic year meant that I had to go back to my crazy aunt's house because I was too poor to afford a place of my own. I didn't mind that it also meant that I'd have to find a summer job, I liked working summer jobs, I hated the rest of the shit that surrounded living with my crazy aunt.

There was one summer however when I broke from the cycle of craziness. The campus bookstore was run by a friend of mine's mom. Her next door neighbor was a ninety something year old man who was slipping into the waters of Alzheimer's disease and she thought it would be nice if I moved in with the old guy to kind of keep an eye on him and his family agreed as well. So I moved in his house the day school let out and I scored a couple of part time jobs on campus as well.

It was pretty easy livin' at Mr. Sam's house, that was what everybody called the old man. I came and went as I pleased and I looked in on him when my friend's mom couldn't. The campus jobs quickly petered but I found a killer job working in the local AAA office. I made Triptiks and answered phones all summer, I loved that job. I was also a huge pot head at that time and wacky weed was $40 an ounce back then and since I was living in Mr. Sam's pad for free you can imagine how much weed I went through that summer. And cheap beer too.

It wasn't all fun and games however. Mr. Sam got worse as the summer progressed and by the middle of July he was pretty much a danger to himself and to everyone else. He was forgetful, he'd turn on the stove and leave it. He could hardly remember who anyone was any more, and he barely knew who I was to begin with. He was also having bathroom troubles too, he'd get confused and think the toilet was behind any door he opened, one morning I woke up and he was peeing in the doorway of my bedroom. Since he was a World War 1 veteran, I told you he was old, he was on a waiting list to get into the local VA hospital and finally a spot came open for him in late July. His son was nice enough to let me stay the rest of the summer in his dad's house which was pretty freakin' keen. I was respectful about their property though, I didn't have any wild parties but I did party like a wild man while I was there if you know what I mean. That was the best summer I had while in college.

I had bad luck with proms and formals when I was in high school and college so seeing all the young fresh faced kids going out during prom season brings back some of those bad memories. I'm happy for the kids and I hope none of the guys ever had to go through what I endured in some of my proms and formals.

You think I'm being dramatic or exaggerating don't you? Here's the short run down of my shitty prom/formal experiences:

• My date dumped me for another guy at the prom when I was a junior in high school. Maybe my choice of a powder blue tuxedo drove her to it, or perhaps it was the fact that I was petrified to make a pass at her.
• I got dumped at my senior prom too even though I was the picture of 1979 hip in my white tux.
• My string of getting dumped at formal events continued on in to my college years. My date at the fall formal dumped me as soon as we hit the after party. The guy she dumped me for, a hulking basketball player, never made it past our freshman year, he flunked out. I found out a few years ago he was facing some pretty serious drug charges and he opted to commit suicide rather than serve prison time.
• I stopped going to formals while in college after my freshman year but by my senior year I gave it one last try. The fall formal went well but the the spring formal was a disaster. The girl I took was really cute and I was as charming and gentlemanly as I could be and I believed I might at least get to make out with her at the end of the night but it all went sour when the DJ played Van Halen's 'Jump' at about 11:15 PM. Everybody jumped when David Lee Roth sang, "Might as well jump!" On one of my jumps I came down on the hem of my date's dress which made the top of her strapless dress come down, her boobs were exposed for a millisecond and even though she was wearing a bra, she was mortified. She would not speak to me the rest of the night even though I apologized profusely. She sat next to me in the back seat on the ride back to the dorms, we double dated with some friends, and it was like sitting next to an iceberg being next to her. I walked her to the main door, opened it, and then she stormed through it and she slammed it in my face.

I'm glad I never have to go to another prom. And that I can finally enjoy the Kentucky Derby without worrying about where I am going to spend the summer. Ahhhhh, sometimes I love being a grown up.