It's time for more fancy book learnin'!

That's right boys and girls, it's time for another installment of 'Let's Learn About...' This time let's learn about Woodrow Wilson!
Woodrow Wilson was our nation's 28th President. He was also our nation's first female President and he was the first President to be an unrepentant Presbyterian. Wilson was a Democrat who hailed from Staunton, VA. Staunton's other claim to fame is---hang on, Staunton Virginia has no other claim to fame.

President Wilson suffered from a hair related affliction most of his life, it was called 'White Boy Afro' disease. He had one of the worst white boy afros in the history of mankind and that's why he insisted he always be photographed and or illustrated while wearing a top hat. Except for those times when he wasn't. Wilson was known to share his feminine wiles with just about any man who bought him a sarsaparilla or a root beer float. And since 'safe sex' back in those days meant screwing inside a bank vault on top of piles of money, President Wilson got pregnant pretty often. Some of his famous offsping include Wilson Phillips,
Luke, but not Owen, Wilson, Dennis the Menace's neighbor Mr. Wilson, Wilson the volleyball from that Tom Hanks movie "Stranded!," and the black dude from the original Mod Squad.
Upon leaving the White House after his years of being President were over Wilson wandered the rural midwest searching for the meaning of life. He caught a nasty cold in Davenport, Iowa and he shunned that state for the rest of his life. He hitchhiked his way across the USA finally settling in Hollywood, CA. It was there he invented modern skeet shooting, the polio vaccine, and rock and roll music. He also took up writing for television and he came up with the idea for the short lived CBS detective show Tequila & Bonetti.
Wilson died tragically in 1974. He perished after a grueling 16 hour Texas chainsaw death match against a young Steven Spielberg. His final words were reputed to be something special and noteworthy but no one bothered to write them down so they've been lost forever. Wilson was a great President, a pioneer, a skank who slept around, and a good bowler. His mark on this country is like a stain on a table cloth that won't come out even after you bleach it forty something times. And that's all you need to know about Woodrow Wilson.

(Don't forget kids, if your teachers ask where you got all your facts about President Woodrow Wilson, you tell 'em your old pal Dr. Monkey gave them to you! 'Bye now.)