Female trouble

I'm not gonna lie to you people, my campaign is in trouble. The whole thing has been off the rails since Samurai Frog up and quit me and flew off to Mars. I've been trying like heck to get it back on track but things have been crazy here, c-r-a-z-y I tell ya!

The first thing I did after that ungrateful amphibian hightailed it to the red planet was hire his replacement. I hired, on the advice of people who know politics, Albanian Shepard Boy. He was experienced, had great references, and he came with a suit case full of stylin' outfits like the one in the picture above. Unfortunately for me he also came with a meth addiction, a case of East Bloc crabs, and a touch of hoof and mouth disease.
His first act as campaign manager was to set up a Hollywood fundraiser for me. It was during this fundraiser that he goaded me into drinking too many tequila shots and then challenging Michelle Rodriguez to an arm pit licking contest. Who knew she had a tongue that goes all the way to her navel when fully extended? The long and short of it is she beat my ass in the drinking part and the pit part too, so now since I lost so badly I have to serve her upcoming jail time.
Alby, that's what we came to call him, had another brilliant idea. He said I should go to Michigan and hook up with Gov. Jennifer Granholm, he said if she and I were an item then it would bring in all kinds of donations from Canada and from people who were into interspecies romance. Well, it didn't work out so well. It turns out the restraining order she put on me is still in place and the Michigan State Police will put my monkey ass under the jail if they catch me back in their state. I tried to make up for all the embarrassment that I caused Ms. Granholm by buying her a gross of these shoes I found at Big Lots but she was less than impressed. Oh well, those orphans in Kosovo will love the shoes even if my lil Jenny didn't.

I gave him one last chance to redeem himself as my campaign manager. Surely Alby would not go three for three and screw up again would he? No one would be that incompetent would they?
Yep, they would and look at what happened as a result of his big idea for me to do the Lyle Alzado Memorial Steroid Awareness Tour with Barry Bonds and Marion Jones. What can I say? They kept pushing pills at me and making me take them. If I didn't then they'd get all crazy mad at me and start screaming and stuff. I just wanted to fit in with the crazy/nice people so I took all those pills and creams and whatever else they shoved at me. I didn't realize what the drugs were doing to my body until those boxy things started growing and emitting a high keening sound.


So I fired Alby and I sent him back to Albania and I'm now in recovery. I'll do Ms. Rodriguez's jail time soon and then after that I'll be back out on the campaign trail and I'll be all rested and ready to go. I promise.