Rusty Nail, Harry Potter, Larry Craig, and the front nine

I hate businesses that ask for my phone number, name, or last four digits of my Social Security number so unless it's a governmental organization I use phony phone numbers (555-1212 is my favorite to give out) and I give out fake names. I usually say my name is Harry Potter, Rusty Nail, Luke Skywalker, Pete Moss, Harry Balls, or something equally as stupid yet sophomoric.

I decided to play golf today and at my local municipal course if you are not a member, being a member means that after paying a flat fee of $600 to $800 you can play all the rounds of golf you want year round, then you must pay your greens fee of $11 and sign in on a guest sheet. I usually sign in as a former President, Democrat of course, but for awhile there I was signing in as Al Gore or Alfred E. Neuman, I used those two names so much one of the guys who works the register calls me Al when he sees me. Today though I felt like stirring up trouble amongst the golfing geezers and I signed the guest sheet as Senator Larry Craig.

I usually don't play on Thursday because it's Senior Citizen day, which means that men and women over 65 can play all day for $8. But since I had not played all week and the sun was out and the temps were in the low 80's off I went to Pine Oaks. But what I feared most, getting stuck behind slow moving senior citizens, was not to be. Instead I got stuck behind two douchebags in their early 20's. These guys were so afraid that people would think they were gay that they used separate carts. They both sucked ass at golf as well, well to be honest I suck ass too but they sucked ass because they were so slow and inconsiderate. They took Mulligans on most every tee shot and they played slow while not offering to let me play through. I cursed them all day but even with their annoyance I was a golf machine and I would not be denied my golfing glory on this day.

I hit my tee shot on #1 straight down the center of the fairway and then I got up and down on to the green in two more shots.

This was my par putt, I'd like to tell you I sunk it but I didn't. So that means I started out with a 5 on this 300 yard par 4 hole.

Next up was the short par 3 #2. It's about 100 yards to the pin from the tee. I hit a worm burner that ended up about four yards off the green.

I hit a beauty chip shot and this time I sunk this putt for par. I was overjoyed.

My joy lasted for about 30 seconds when I came face to face with the hardest hole on the course, the 375 yard par 4 # 3. The fairway is as tight as a Scotsman's purse and the hole plays like it's 500 yards long if you hit the ball too far left or right. I've made par on this hole once in three years. Today I made a 6 and I felt like that was pretty good.

After my double bogey I stepped up to the tee on # 4. It's a nice par 4 that is 353 yards long. The tee is on a slight hill top and the fairway slopes down into a little valley and if you are lucky your ball rolls forever if you hit your tee shot right. I left mine short today so I ended up on the green in 4 shots.Then the unthinkable happened. I three putted, which means it took me three putts to get my ball in the hole. I dejectedly walked off the green with a triple bogey.

I shook off that triple bogey and stepped up to the par 3 #5. It's a challenging par 3 that is 155 yards long. I knocked a decent tee shot with my 6 iron to about 15 yards to the left of the green, for some reason a lot of my shots go left, I guess it's my politics.

I carved my chip shot like it was a Thanksgiving turkey and my ball landed about a foot from the hole. I gagged and missed the easy putt, so I ended up with a 4. Not too shabby though.

No time to gloat over a 4 on the last hole because up came the par 5 #6. It's 520 yards long and it dresses to the left, wink wink. I hit a bad tee shot and a bad second shot. However my third shot was a thing of beauty. My fourth landed in a sand trap about 30 yards off the green and my fifth to get out of the bunker stank like a kid who peed his pants but didn't tell anyone until after they dried.

My sixth shot hit the green and it rolled forever. I finally had this long ass putt to make 7 but I left it 6 inches short. So I had to take a snowman on this hole. (A score of 8 on a hole is called a snowman because the number looks like a snowman, duh.)

One of the groundskeepers turned on the sprayers before I could hit my tee shot on #7 but I got lucky and I hit my shot above the water. My second shot landed about 50 yards off the green to the left. I ended up making par on this par 4 hole for the first time ever.

Then came #8, it's a 320 yard par 4. I had another par putt but I missed it, so it was another bogey for the monkey.

# 9 is a 300 yard par 4 that starts with a blind tee shot. I used to hit my tee shots into the hill, but after a few years of practice I now hit them over the hill.


I was about 170 yards off the green and on top of the little hill. I took out my 6 iron and I clubbed that ball like nobody's business. It landed about 40 yards in front of the green.

I stepped up to my chip shot, committed to it, and I knocked that bastard stiff. It shot up in the air with a beautiful arc and the ball landed about three feet to the left of the hole. I was jumping for joy, but too bad for me Joy was with her husband and he did not appreciate my jumping for his wife. I missed that putt but I ended my round of nine with a stellar, for me anyway, 47. It's the lowest round I've ever had on the front nine.

I've been playing regularly now for three years and if it took me this long to shoot a 47 then I figure that by the year 2065 I should be able to beat Tiger Woods. You better watch your ass Tiger, the monkey is gunning for you.