A "fun" trip

It's been quiet on the campaign trail lately for one reason and one reason only, because Dr. Zaius sent me on a trip I never wanted to go on. If you thought that dastardly orangutan was a nice simian kind of guy, then you'll think twice after I tell you the tale of his latest outrage against me, his most feared Presidential opponent.
Oh he wishes I would keep quiet about his nefarious deed but I can not. Sit down and let me tell you what happened. I had made a delicious Boston Cream pie and being the nice monkey I am and knowing how much he likes pies and cakes, I invited Mr. I'll Take Two Slices Please! over to talk and to possibly bury the hatchet.I had no reason to fear him so I waved him through security as soon as I saw him pull up in his car.Yes, that's his "running mate" with him. He had called me on the way over and he told me they were bringing drinks. When they got out of his Le Car he handed me this vile potion:I took a sip, just to be nice, and the next thing I know I'm spinning out of control through time! Remember he's already mastered the time travelling after all so it's not too hard for him to send me, his main rival for the Presidency, back and forth through time.
My first stop on his time travel of terror was Russia in 1917. That's me in the foreground to the left of Lenin, that's right, that's my fez, the time travel turned it gray. It was cold as hell there that day and I was as out of place as a straight guy at Larry Craig's bachelor party, so hightailed it out of Moscow and I hitched a train to Minsk. I had heard there was some vodka there that would knock me back into the future if I drank enough of it.
Unfortunately for me Zaius was pulling the strings on my journey through time. I was plucked from that train and I was sent careening backwards in time to the heady days of the Irish potato famine. As you can imagine I was almost the guest of honor in many an Irishman's belly. All those Micks fantasized about eating me and flossing their broken and twisted teeth with my tail. That is until I ran into Mary Katherine and Katherine Mary. I sweet talked them into letting me sit by their peat fire and I told them I could save them from a death worse than fate. I used all the lessons I learned from watching Project Runway and I crafted them swimsuits out of their national flag.

When Zaius next twisted his twisted knobs to send me to another hellish place he got the shock of his life. Instead of me showing up I managed to get him to bring Mary Katherine and Katherine Mary back to the present. I had managed to start a saving account in their names in the Dublin Savings and Loan in 1849 so by the time they got to 2007 the gals were gajillionaires. (Yo, ladies, don't forget what I did for you! Toss a monkey some Gaelic love will ya?)


Zaius was pissed that I helped out the two Irish lasses so he spun his dial forward to the time when Queen Elizabeth was going through menopause.
Liz was, shall we say a bit cranky for quite some time and she took it out on me mostly, though that jug eared son of hers fared almost as badly as I did. Yes, she managed to shoot me with that big ass gun of hers, but thankfully it was only a flesh wound. Of course Dr. Zaius was enraged that ol' Bessie only winged me with her bullet so he sent me further into the future.
He also managed to change my sex for a bit and I ended up becoming a member of the Red Hat club. That's me in the back with the shades on. Interesting fact about this group, they started out life as the Sea Foam Hat club but I talked them into going with the red hats instead. I learned all about knitting, spoiling grandchildren, baking, which pills to take with which wine, and how to fake an orgasm. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as I met a nice widower from Tuscon who had all his hair and most of his teeth, that bastard Zaius plucked me up and sent me back to the late 1950's.
1950's South America to be precise. I hooked up with a certain revolutionary whose initials are Che and he dug my beret. He kept telling me how much he loved it and I got so tired of hearing him praise it I finally said, "Take the damn thing." He did just that and then he denounced me to his local revolutionary council for stealing the people's bananas. They tried and convicted me and sentenced me to watch badly dubbed Steve Reeves movies. I watched four or five and I was ready to claw my eyes out so I would not have to watch any more cinematic horror but then Zaius took pity on me and he sent me to 1989.

I ended up as a member of Public Enemy! Flava Flav loved my funky fresh beats and Chuck D dug my hip happenin' political views. Professor Griff on the other hand was wary of me during the whole time. That mutha-effer Griff got me bounced out of the group after he heard me jammin' to some country music on the tour bus one day. So there I was with out on my simian ass.

As luck would have it The Oak Ridge Boys In The Hood were opening for Public Enemy on that tour and I was invited to hook up with them. It turns out Phydeaux was also suffering through Zaius's time travel torture and that's when he and I first met. That's Phydeaux second from the left. But it rankled Zaius to no end to see Phydeaux and I not only surviving but thriving as he tried to end our very lives.

He sent Phydeaux to the 1930's soon after we finished that tour and he sent me somewhere more dastardly than you can ever imagine.
He sent me to the premiere of that Pauly Shore epic Son In Law. That indignity stung me most of all. Not only did I have to attend the premiere, I was also Mr. Shore's helper monkey. I had to fix his drinks, light his joints, and to wipe his butt. It was disgusting. All the while I could hear Zaius cackling.
We were doing movie publicity in Racine, Wisconsin when I heard a familiar voice. I turned around and there was my running mate Laurie David! She told me she had given Zaius a beat down and had managed to drive her magic Pacer back in time to get me. I was overjoyed to be rescued. But before we left Wisconsin there was something I had to do. We drove to Jess Wundruns home and I slipped in under cover of the night and I gave her a new hairdo while she slept. Yes, Jess, it was me who hacked off that mullet and who gave you that cute little pixie cut you woke with that morning. No need to thank me, I was just doing my duty.Laurie and I stopped off to buy some neat costumes in Madison and then we jetted back into the present. By the time I got back Zaius was off with his new buddy Fred Thompson having a few brewskis at Hooters in Nashville.

As you can see Dr. Zaius, I made it back alive and I'm stronger and hairy chestedier than ever. I'm oiled up and ready to rumble all the way to the White House.