Fore!

It's going to be in the mid 70's, sunny, and not very humid here today so I'm going to do something I have not done in months, go play golf. I'll probably shoot about 75 on the front nine but who cares. You kids have fun on the series of tubes known as the internets today. I'll leave you with this creepy ad from that 1950's Punch magazine I bought:

I'll see ya later my peeps.

Rusty Nail, Harry Potter, Larry Craig, and the front nine

I hate businesses that ask for my phone number, name, or last four digits of my Social Security number so unless it's a governmental organization I use phony phone numbers (555-1212 is my favorite to give out) and I give out fake names. I usually say my name is Harry Potter, Rusty Nail, Luke Skywalker, Pete Moss, Harry Balls, or something equally as stupid yet sophomoric.

I decided to play golf today and at my local municipal course if you are not a member, being a member means that after paying a flat fee of $600 to $800 you can play all the rounds of golf you want year round, then you must pay your greens fee of $11 and sign in on a guest sheet. I usually sign in as a former President, Democrat of course, but for awhile there I was signing in as Al Gore or Alfred E. Neuman, I used those two names so much one of the guys who works the register calls me Al when he sees me. Today though I felt like stirring up trouble amongst the golfing geezers and I signed the guest sheet as Senator Larry Craig.

I usually don't play on Thursday because it's Senior Citizen day, which means that men and women over 65 can play all day for $8. But since I had not played all week and the sun was out and the temps were in the low 80's off I went to Pine Oaks. But what I feared most, getting stuck behind slow moving senior citizens, was not to be. Instead I got stuck behind two douchebags in their early 20's. These guys were so afraid that people would think they were gay that they used separate carts. They both sucked ass at golf as well, well to be honest I suck ass too but they sucked ass because they were so slow and inconsiderate. They took Mulligans on most every tee shot and they played slow while not offering to let me play through. I cursed them all day but even with their annoyance I was a golf machine and I would not be denied my golfing glory on this day.

I hit my tee shot on #1 straight down the center of the fairway and then I got up and down on to the green in two more shots.

This was my par putt, I'd like to tell you I sunk it but I didn't. So that means I started out with a 5 on this 300 yard par 4 hole.

Next up was the short par 3 #2. It's about 100 yards to the pin from the tee. I hit a worm burner that ended up about four yards off the green.

I hit a beauty chip shot and this time I sunk this putt for par. I was overjoyed.

My joy lasted for about 30 seconds when I came face to face with the hardest hole on the course, the 375 yard par 4 # 3. The fairway is as tight as a Scotsman's purse and the hole plays like it's 500 yards long if you hit the ball too far left or right. I've made par on this hole once in three years. Today I made a 6 and I felt like that was pretty good.

After my double bogey I stepped up to the tee on # 4. It's a nice par 4 that is 353 yards long. The tee is on a slight hill top and the fairway slopes down into a little valley and if you are lucky your ball rolls forever if you hit your tee shot right. I left mine short today so I ended up on the green in 4 shots.Then the unthinkable happened. I three putted, which means it took me three putts to get my ball in the hole. I dejectedly walked off the green with a triple bogey.

I shook off that triple bogey and stepped up to the par 3 #5. It's a challenging par 3 that is 155 yards long. I knocked a decent tee shot with my 6 iron to about 15 yards to the left of the green, for some reason a lot of my shots go left, I guess it's my politics.

I carved my chip shot like it was a Thanksgiving turkey and my ball landed about a foot from the hole. I gagged and missed the easy putt, so I ended up with a 4. Not too shabby though.

No time to gloat over a 4 on the last hole because up came the par 5 #6. It's 520 yards long and it dresses to the left, wink wink. I hit a bad tee shot and a bad second shot. However my third shot was a thing of beauty. My fourth landed in a sand trap about 30 yards off the green and my fifth to get out of the bunker stank like a kid who peed his pants but didn't tell anyone until after they dried.

My sixth shot hit the green and it rolled forever. I finally had this long ass putt to make 7 but I left it 6 inches short. So I had to take a snowman on this hole. (A score of 8 on a hole is called a snowman because the number looks like a snowman, duh.)

One of the groundskeepers turned on the sprayers before I could hit my tee shot on #7 but I got lucky and I hit my shot above the water. My second shot landed about 50 yards off the green to the left. I ended up making par on this par 4 hole for the first time ever.

Then came #8, it's a 320 yard par 4. I had another par putt but I missed it, so it was another bogey for the monkey.

# 9 is a 300 yard par 4 that starts with a blind tee shot. I used to hit my tee shots into the hill, but after a few years of practice I now hit them over the hill.


I was about 170 yards off the green and on top of the little hill. I took out my 6 iron and I clubbed that ball like nobody's business. It landed about 40 yards in front of the green.

I stepped up to my chip shot, committed to it, and I knocked that bastard stiff. It shot up in the air with a beautiful arc and the ball landed about three feet to the left of the hole. I was jumping for joy, but too bad for me Joy was with her husband and he did not appreciate my jumping for his wife. I missed that putt but I ended my round of nine with a stellar, for me anyway, 47. It's the lowest round I've ever had on the front nine.

I've been playing regularly now for three years and if it took me this long to shoot a 47 then I figure that by the year 2065 I should be able to beat Tiger Woods. You better watch your ass Tiger, the monkey is gunning for you.

You know what?

It's a nice day here and it's not too hot so I'm gonna put some clothes on and go play nine holes of golf.

I don't care if it is senior citizens day at my local municipal course. I'll wait those old bastards out.

See you kids later.

The back nine

They picked this week to aerate the greens at my local municipal golf course, Pine Oaks. They had done the back nine already and they had the front nine closed when I got to the course this morning. I don't usually play the back nine because it's too hilly and because I usually get my fill of golf on the front nine alone but since the front was closed I played the back nine to day.


My local course is really a bargain, the greens fee is only $11 and I can play all day if I like, and it's a challenging course too, it's got tight lies and undulating greens but thank goodness no water hazards. After not playing for 2 months due to the excessive heat, I'm not supposed to be out in excessive heat or cold due to my heart, I thought I'd play like shit but I did quite well today.


This is the view from #10 tee. #10 is a 352 yard par 4. I hit my drive about 200 yards, which for me is pretty good. I shanked my second shot to the left but I recovered well and I ended making a bogey, that's one over par for you non golfers, on the hole.

#11 is a monster par 5. You hit your tee shot uphill and then once you get up the hill you walk for about 50 yards until you see the 200 yard marker which means you still have got 200 yards to go to get to the front edge of the green. I hit my tee shot about 3/4 of the way up the hill.

After recovering after my shitty second and third shots I finally had a view of the 11th green. I hit a massive 6 iron shot and my ball landed just top to the right of the sand trap. I ended up missing not one but 2 chip shots and I missed my first putt. I ended making an 8 on this hole.

Next up was #12 which is a par 4. I hit my tee shot about 15 yards past that big bush on the left which put me about 150 yards off the green.
This is about 45 yards off the green so you can tell I did not hit my second shot all that well. I was on in 3 but it took me three putts to get it in the hole so I ended up with a 6, a double bogey.

Next up was #13, a short downhill par 3. I smacked the hell out of the ball with Puff the Magic 6 Iron, my 6 iron is the only club I have named, and my ball landed just to the right of the green.
I chilli dipped my chip shot from here and I ended up on the second fringe. I decided to putt it off the fringe and lo and behold I feckin' made it. I whooped with joy upon making my first par of the day.

Flush with success I marched up to the next massive par 5, # 14. It's a little over 500 yards long but like #11 you can't even see the green when you tee off. I skanked my tee shot and my ball landed about 50 yards in front of the ladies tee. Somehow I managed to recover after a bad tee shot and a bad second shot.

My third shot was a beauty and my ball came to rest gently down about 110 yards from the green. I took out my 8 iron and I hit another good shot which came to rest just slightly off the left side of the green.
I chipped it up in the green and I sank the putt, after 2 tries. I was happy to walk away with a double bogey.

Next up was the tricky and challenging #15. You have to hit an uphill tee shot and hope it carries the hill and rolls down into the valley below. Thanks goodness I hit a magnificent shot that did just that.My second and third shots left something to be desired though. I had to hit an uphill chip to get on the green but my chipping today was spotty at best. I ended up making double bogey on this hole because of my bad chipping.

Then it was off to one of my favorite holes on the back nine, #16 which is a short par 4. I have actually made par many times on this hole and even birdie a couple of times so I was stoked when I got on the tee, I expected great things and my tee shot led me to believe that I would indeed make birdie once again here. My tee shot came down about 4o yards from the edge of the green. But once again I stank at chipping and I ended up on the green in 4 strokes.
Then I missed my first putt and by the time I made my second one I was fuming mad at myself. But I quickly shook it off.

#17 is a shortish par 4 and it's my second favorite hole on the back nine. I hit a good tee shot and an even better second shot.

I actually had a good chip over the trap and onto the green and I ended making a bogey. I was pleased.

Finally I came to #18 which is another downhill par 3. But unlike #13 the green here on 18 is not round, instead it's long and thin. Hitting the green on this hole would be like throwing a baseball at a postage stamp size target. I ended up hitting me tee shot about 30 yards in front of the green. I dug deep and I pulled out a good chip shot but alas I ended up two putting and I made a 4 on the hole.

All in all though it was a fine day and a not too shabby score for me for 9 holes. I ended up 13 over which may sound bad but if I had done that well on the front too I would have shot 98 for 18 holes which would have been a first for me, to put it in perspective for you my lowest 18 hole score ever was 101. So it was a good day golfing, the weather was perfect, and the old fogeys were not out in abundance. I look forward to playing more, usually I play no more than twice a week, in the coming cooler weather. It really is a great course to play in the fall when the leaves are at their colorful peak.

Hey you know what?

It's sunny and in the low 70's here today so I'm gonna go play nine holes of golf

after I stop off at the farmers market. I haven't been able to play for about a month and a half because of the excessive heat so I'll probably suck ass but at least I'll be able to be outside again, whoo hoo!


I'll see you kids later!

It's easy to see why they "love" me so much at my local golf course

Drivers side back glass of my little Nissan pick up truck.

Passenger side back glass of my pick up.

For some reason the old conservative kristian men and women at my local golf course do their best to not talk to me. They rarely wave or smile at me after they find out I'm the guy who drives this truck. It's a shame though, if they got to know me they'd find out I'm a nice guy who is lots of fun to be around. Oh well. I won't lose any sleep over it.