I didn't think it was possible...

...for me to despise John Edwards more than I did, but after seeing the creepy pictures of the woman he had the affair and love child with, I'm ready to choke the life out of him and his icky paramour if I ever meet either of them.

Did they really think it was a good idea for her to pose in a shot like this:
Maybe her and Edwards did it on that very bed! And maybe they used those very stuffed animals to get themselves off! Oh the delicious creepiness of it all.

But wait, the parade of grossness isn't over yet, I give you this shot:
Hey Ms. Hunter, nothing wrong with using your kid as a prop in your cheesecake shot is there? I can almost hear her little voice now, "Hey mommy, show your beaver to the camera like you do for daddy and the guys at the truck stop out near exit 47." All bets are off after you stalk, screw, and get knocked up by a big time politician, aren't they hon?

All kidding aside Rielle, I hope you and Johnny get everything you deserve as you live out your lives in the trailer park of hypocrisy and white trash damnation. I know you kids have plenty of money, Johnny's a millionaire, so your bastard will always have the finest Doritos, Mountain Dew, and chicken nuggets money can buy.

Open letters

Dear Anyone Who Uses the Phrase 'Assless Chaps':
If chaps had an ass in them they'd be called pants. So please stop using the phrase 'assless chaps.' Or don't, you may actually like sounding like an idiot.

Sincerely yours,
Dr. Monkey


Dear People Who Email Me Monkey Related Stuff:
Keep it up, you people are feckin' awesome. I mean it. Really.

Yours in simian love,
Dr. Monkey

Dear Women at the Movie Theatre Who Talked All Through Julie & Julia:

Did you two never learn any manners? Or is it all right to blab through an entire movie just because you paid for your own tickets?

Seriously, you two blabbermouths had better be glad Sparky was with me at the time or I would have reminded you that you weren't the only ones who paid to see that movie and that you needed to be respectful of everyone else by keeping your traps shut. Seriously gals, you weren't at home watching Titanic for the hundredth time or some piece of shit on Lifetime Movie Network, you were in public amongst others who paid to see and hear the movie on the screen.

I'll be glad to buy you both a tall cup of 'shut the fuck up' next time we all go to the same movie. Deal?

Angrily yours,
Dr. Monkey


Dear Middle Aged Realtor Dudes in North Carolina:

The Blues Brothers? Are you fucking kidding me?
Which one of you thought it would be a good idea for you to put your picture of you dressed as characters from a 30 year old movie on a billboard? Guys, even Ackroyd and Belushi didn't look good dressed up as the Blues Brothers, so what makes you think you do? You cats are middle aged douchebags, I'm betting one or both of you drives a Corvette because you think it's 'cool' and you both probably hit on your daughter's college girlfriends.

I'd tell you two to be yourselves and to stop trying to co-opt other personas to try to help you sell your over priced real estate but you're too damn stupid to listen to me. So I'll have to settle for begging you two to stop giving the rest of us middle aged guys a bad name.

Disgustedly yours,
Dr. Monkey