It's true, I was

End of the year confessions

The things I need to get off my chest before I start 2011 are as follows:

• I like the Femen movement for all the wrong reasons.
• I cut that fart in the library that day, it wasn't that kid in the wheel chair that I blamed it on.
  
• I dared Julian Assange to leak all that stuff.
• I have yet to refudiate anything.
• I didn't finish the Dickens novel I said I was going to finish.
  
• I'm still very lukewarm on Terry Pratchett.
• I still hold out hope that I'll hit the mega Mega Millions jackpot before the end of the year.
• If you still had a Bush/Cheney bumpersticker on your car I flipped you a bird.
• I ate the last of that thing we got at that place. I didn't feel good about doing it, but I did it anyway.
• I passed off one of your Tweets as mine.
• I was less than fresh a while back.
• I mortally wounded a man in Reno just to watch him die.
• I pissed on Lucille Ball's grave.
  
• I started that rumor about Margaret Trudeau.
  
• I made Tiger Woods my bitch.
• I shared my explosive diarrhea in several public restrooms on more than one occasion.
• I made naughty anagrams out of your name.
• I didn't mean for those nude pictures I drew of you to be such a hit in Estonia and Latvia, it just turned out that way.
• I should never be in the same room at the same time with a pencil and a cat in heat. I'm just saying.

Whew, I feel a whole lot better now that I got all that off my chest.

Yo, guys, what's wrong?

Okay then. Thanks for sharing.

True confessions

It's time I came clean and confessed some things:

• I never have been able to stand Barbra Streisand. I don't like her music or her movies.
• Same thing with Frank Sinatra. If you're my age or younger and you think Sinatra is cool, then I look at you with a ton of suspicion.
  
• Go ahead and toss Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. in that mix as well.
• I'm no fan of basketball, especially the NBA. Ugh, I'd rather have my finger nails pulled out than watch a NBA game.
• I really like, no scratch that, I really love Joy Behar. But only when she's doing her show on HNN. I won't watch her on The View because I don't watch daytime television, unless there is a world wide sporting event like the Olympics or the World Cup on and because I'd rather get gang raped by Satan's hoary minions than watch one second of anything with Elizabeth Hasslebeck on it.
• I like Wanda Sykes too but mostly when she does her stand up.
• If the Red Cross was the only charity that's helps in the aftermath of natural disasters, and to listen to them they are, then I'd charter a boat and go to Haiti and give a random person who lost everything in the recent earthquake a five dollar bill and a bottle of water.
  
• If you're a Christian and you haven't denounced what that vile bastard Pat Robertson said about Haiti then don't ever speak to me again. I mean it.