My fellow Americans...

...I come before you on the morning after election day to announce that I concede the Presidency to Sen. Barack Obama. No, please, calm down. I urge all 12 of you to be calm and to listen to reason.
My running mate and I crissed but did not cross this country in an effort to get ourselves elected. We spoke and held rallies where ever we could, which ended up being mostly dive bars and bus station shower stalls. We shook hands, we kissed babies, we flung our poo, but it was all to no avail because America just wasn't ready for me to lead.

And if I'm being honest here, then the whole not being on the ballot in any states thing hurt me as well. As did my decision not to buy any ads in the traditional corporate media. I figured plenty of people would see the ads we drew on the streets and highways in chalk. They would have been just fine if it had not been for the rain and the dew, damn you mother nature!

It's time to move on and to let President-elect Obama have a go at it. I wish him well. I thank all of our supporters for their work and for believing in the Monkey/Love '08 ticket. I'd also like to "thank" the diabolical Dr. Zaius for running one of the most vile, most disgusting, most smear laden campaigns in history. I forgive every all my other delusional opponents except for Zaius. The next time we meet sir I shall plant a punch in your "forbidden zone." Maybe that will teach you to run a less dirty campaign, but somehow I doubt it.

********

Now if you'll excuse me, I simply must run. I have some pressing matters to attend to. I'm due to give an in depth interview to a couple of young nubile Swedish journalists:

And word has just come to me that Salma Hayek has lost her top and she wants me to help her look for it.

Dystopia City: the movies

Despite what you may think when you read some of my posts, I am a pretty positive guy. I'm an optimist and I think things will work out and the bad guys (the Reich wing and their minions) will get punished and the good guys (sane liberals and our allies)will prevail .

But for the life of me, even though I have this world view, I totally love dystopian entertainment. I suppose it's because when I was young the cold war was in full swing, the Vietnam war was going on, and then Watergate rolled in and during all that time movies, books, comics, and some TV were filled with stories about how the world was going to end or how civilization was on the brink of collapse. I never bought into it literally but I loved thinking about it and watching the movies, reading the books, the magazines, and the comics about the impending apocalypse.

Some of the dystopian movies I loved from that time were the holy trio of dystopian films starring future NRA president Charlton Heston.

Who didn't love the first film in the Planet of the Apes series? They went down hill with each successive one but the first one is an all time classic.

Another Charlton versus everybody else movie. This one also co-stars Anthony Zerbe who is one of the all time great villans of film and television. Also some great looking black chick is Charlton's love interest in this flick and she sports one of the finest Afro's in cinema history.

This movie played on every early 1970's fear in the world, over population, diminishing natural resources, dwindling food supplies, over crowding, and a huge government conspiracy. It's wildly dated now, especially in it's shockingly sexist depiction of women, but it's still a classic. And who among us has not at one time or another uttered the immortal line, "Soylent Green is people!"

I also loved these movies:

I only saw this one once but it's stayed with me ever since. I remember Bruce Dern silently floating away in his ship with the last trees and plants from earth and I remember thinking, "How cool is that?"

Technically not a dystopian film but it offered a scary vision of science run amok. I remember watching it from start to finish every time it came on TV in the early 70's.

This one scared me a little. It hit a little close to home for me. Watching George Segal nut up and commit all kinds of heinous violence when his brain goes haywire was something I could relate to. My mentally ill Dad was prone to nutting up and after I saw this movie I was afraid he might go off like ol' George did in this movie. Thank goodness it never happened but I was slightly leery of my Dad after I saw this one. This was quite possibly the high point in George Segal's career, and it definitely was the high point in Joan Hackett's.
I loved this film. I loved Yul Brynner in it, I loved the story, the effects, everything. Except for one thing. Richard Benjamin. I totally did not buy him as the hero but beyond that I dug the hell out of this picture. The sequel starring Peter Fonda, not so much, in fact I've never been able to finish it. But this one, man I'd sit through it again even now. I remember arguing with my brothers about which "world" we would go to, West World, Roman World, or Medieval World, and I chose West World every time.
This was the last dystopian movie that I loved from my youth. It had everything an adolescent boy could want, it had laser gun battles, a nude Jenny Agutter, Farrah Fawcett, Jenny Agutter's boobs, exciting chases, Jenny Agutter topless, fights, and did I mention that Jenny Agutter's boobs were exposed for a prolonged period of time? I picked this up on DVD at Best Buy last winter for $5.99 and I watched it again with my girlfriend. She could not make it through the first 40 minutes because she thought it was so bad. If forced, I would have to agree that it is pretty bad. The costumes were crazy fruity looking, the acting was wooden, with the exception of Jenny Agutter and her boobs, and the plot when you think about it makes just the barest bit of sense. But if you asked me about it when it first came out, man I'd have praised it from the high heavens, mainly because of Jenny Agutter and her you know whats.