Showing posts with label Katiegirl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Katiegirl. Show all posts

Monday, July 2, 2007

8 things Katie (and most everybody else) didn't know about me

This is the second on the trifecta of meems Kategirl tagged me with. I didn't want to do it, but I am powerless against her girly charms.


1. Sorry Katie, but you are not the first Jewish gal I've had a crush on. The first to have that (dis)honor would be the Kessler sisters of Howell, Michigan. The Kesslers lived down the road from us and my sister Sandy was best friends with Susan Kessler. I was 11 and she was 15 and oh boy did I have a crush on her. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen in a bikini, that is until I saw her sisters in theirs. Her sisters were Janice, who was one year older than Susan, and Nancy, who was the oldest of the three. I dug Susan for her looks, Janice for her looks and her sense of humor, and Nancy because she was the eldest, was so nice to me, and was so quiet, but she was quiet in a "she would rock your world if you ever got ahold of her" way. We moved down south before I could ever act on my crushes and so that means that I will always remember them as they were in 1973, young, pretty, bubbly, and so much fun to be around.

2. The universe self corrected my life for me when I was 18. I had signed up to go into the when I graduated high school. I had chosen my job, which was in communications, and was supposed to serve a 6 year hitch. A few months before I was due to report to some base in Texas for basic training I was at home in Bristol, TN and I had smoked just smoked a big ass joint with my cousin. I decided I was going to show off and slide down the banister. So I jumped on it and proceeded to slide but when I saw the newell post fast approaching I jumped off, when I put my left hand up against the window at the bottom of the stairs to stop myself from falling, my arm went through the glass, was gashed open to the bone, and when I pulled myself off the window I made the gash bigger. I staggered outside as blood poured from my arm. A neighbor guy who saw what was going on came running across the street and he clamped his hands on my arm and he stopped the blood from spurting so bad. He stayed there holding my arm until the ambulance got there and took me to the hospital. I never got a chance to thank him properly, but dude if you are reading this, then thanks, I owe my life to you.

A couple of days later a couple of guys from the Air Force came to see me in the hospital. They took one look at my arm and said thanks but no thanks, we don't want you anymore. So I went to college instead and my life is much richer and better because I did so. Sometimes horrible accidents have a way of working out in the long run. I probably would have been kicked out of the Air Force anyway because I would not have been able to take orders from idiots.


3. I love the Olympics but I love the winter Olympics more than the summer games because the potential for seeing someone get a serious injury and or die accidently is much higher in the winter games. Therefore I admire winter Olympians more than summer Olympians. I can tell you the host city for every Winter Olympiad staring with the first one in Chamonix, France. Even though I love the winter Olympics I can not for the life of me ice skate, snowboard, or ski. Go figure.
4. My girlfriend and I were standing in the check out line at Barnes and Noble one day after Brokeback Mountain had been released. It was busy as hell and there were all kinds of people in line and others running around in the store within ear shot of me.I turned to look at my girlfriend and I said in my best Jake Gyllenhaal cowboy voice, "I wish I knew how to quit you."

We laugh about it now but if she had a gun when I said it, she would have shot me, I just know it.



5. I'm an idiot sometimes. It took me almost six weeks to get a joke that I told night after night in a play I was doing. I delivered the line the same way night after night and I could not for the life of me see why people laughed. Then one night it dawned on me and I felt like I was the biggest idiot in the world for not getting it sooner. It was good thing I didn't tell a certain woman in the cast that I was so stupid or she might not have gone out with me and I'd be all alone now.


6. Just because I am paranoid that doesn't mean people aren't trying to wipe out all traces of me from planet earth. The hospital I was born in was torn down and both Major League Baseball stadiums I've been to, Tiger Stadium in Detroit and Atlanta Fulton County Stadium in Atlanta, have been torn down.



7. One of elementary schools I went to in Detroit was named Warren G. Harding Elementary. Harding was universally thought of by historians as the worst President we ever had, until we got saddled with Bush that is.

8. I won an essay contest in high school. My prize for winning was I got to go on a week long trip to New York city. That was over 30 years ago and I still remember every detail vividly. Most of the other kids on that trip hated NYC and they could not wait to leave. I on the other hand loved it. I felt right at home and if I could have gotten away with it, I would have stayed there for the rest of my life. I also got to see Washington DC, Philadelphia, Gettysburg, and Niagra Falls on that trip. Those few weeks were some of the best times I ever had in my life.

I think I am supposed to tag 8 people, but I think most all you have done this one. So I will just tag Kelsi and Fran because I don't know all that much about them. So have at it ladies and let me know when you get it done, if you decide to do it that is.

Ka-Ka-Ka-Katie did

My Jewish princess blog-friend Katie who is the funniest goil in the woild tagged me with three meems. This is the first, I'll do the other two in a couple of days. What's the rush? Who died and made you Elvis? Stop kvetching you or Monkey boy spank.

A- Available or Single
Taken

B- Best Friend
My buddy Todd. We were in the improv comedy group Einstein Simplified together. He said of me onstage once that if anyone had an evil twin brother, it would be my brother. No one makes me laugh like ol' Todd. He rode with me in the ambulance when I was having my heart attack and the people in admitting at the hospital thought he was my boyfriend, that made me laugh like crazy when I found out.

C- Cake or Pie
Cake if it's chocolate with chocolate frosting. Pie if it's pecan, hold on, I can't have pecan pie any more, damn.

D- Drink of Choice
In the morning, Mountain Dew, all that sugar, all that caffeine. In the evening, beer.


E- Essential Item
My glasses. I will fucking kill you if you try to take my glasses.

F- Favorite Color
Green but when it comes to sports teams, red. Red Sox, Red Wings, Red Skins.

G- Gummi Bears or Worms
Worms. More Gummi for the tummi.

H- Hometown
The cradle of comedy legends, Detroit, Michigan.

I- Indulgence
Sweets for my sweet.

J- January or February
February made me shiver but I still choose it. It's short and March comes next and March means spring down south.

K- Kids
None of my own, but if you have any and I like them, then I'll entertain them and spoil them.

L- Life is incomplete without
the inernets. I love the internets.

M- Marriage Date
Is that a new brand of date? I usually buy Dromedary brand dates.

N- Number of Siblings?
I started out with four and I have one left. He and I talk from time to time but mostly not. I'll share about the others later if and when the time is right. Don't get me wrong though, I love(d) all of them, I just don't have to be around or talk to them to love them.

O- Oranges or Apples?
Oranges. Such a versatile fruit. You can cook with the zest, juice it, eat it raw, flavor soda (I used to have an addiction to Orange Crush when I was in college) with it, make jelly out of it, and it can keep you from getting scurvy.

P- Phobias/Fears
I have a phobia about rats, big ass honkin' mother effin' balls out city rats. I fear lingering slow painful death, I hope mine comes quick so that I can come back quick in whatever form I'm coming back as.

Q- Favorite Quote
"Death before dishonor, drugs before lunch." Hunter S. Thompson
"Day, night, it don't mean shit kid." Harry Dean Stanton in Repo Man
"'Tis a bright day that brings forth the adder." From Julius Caesar by Billy Shakespeare

R- Reasons to smile
Making my girlfriend laugh, hearing little kids squeal with laughter and delight, sitting on the sea shore at Atlantic Beach, North Carolina and watching the waves and maybe seeing a dolphin jump up out of the water.

S- Season
Fall. It's got everything, color, new TV shows, the World Series, college football, cool temps, sunny days that are still warmish, and boat loads of apple cider.

T- Tag Three People
Shit, they're all too damn fast. I'll try later I promise.

U- Unknown Fact About Me
I've seen Flashdance from start to finish more times than I will ever admit to.

W- Worst Habit
Being rude to people who did nothing to deserve it. And I hate myself after I do it. I'm an ass sometimes.

Y- Your Favorite Foods
Chicken, fruit flavored yogurts, brownies, fresh baked bread from our local non corporate owned bakery Scratch, aloo sag, most Chinese foods, dried cherries and blueberries, and most of all German Chocolate cake, but I only get that once a year on my birthday.

Z- Zodiac
Libra. I'm all about balance baby. And fairness. And being a sex machine to all the chicks, oh wait, that's Shaft.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Lighten up, it's Tuesday! (All Female Edition)

It's not that you boys didn't amuse us here at el Casa de Monkey in the past two weeks, we just wanted to send some link love out to our favorite females and current crushes out there in blogland.

So without further bullspit, here is a sampling of the stuff some gals wrote that made us laugh out loud in the past few weeks:

1) I'd be careful what I said too if I had a blogger mom that wrote this well and was as smart as this one.

2) Here's a double dose of rich gooey Jewy goodness courtesy of my new Jewish princess blog crush, Katiegirl. She claims ownership of the "c" word in this first post and then in a post about her monthly "monthly" she calls it a name I've never heard it called before, oh well it's hers and she can damn well call it what she likes. Sorry Sarah Silverman, Katie is the Jew gal for me now. Unless you lift that restraining order and answer my thousands of calls, letters, text messages, and smoke signals that is. Oy, what's a goy boy got to do get some JAP love these days anyway?

3) Finally! Someone who is as fearful of the giant robot master overlord invasion as I am! You are not alone Miss Kelsi, I'm with you babe. All those years of watching bad sci fi movies will finally pay off when the robots attack.

4) Speaking of Miss Kelsi, I found her blog one day when I was looking for pictures of crazy looking cars for a post about my interview with Sam Brownback. I liked her stuff so I blogrolled her and I read her blog regularly now. In her blog roll I noticed this blog and I've been hooked ever since. Meg is my other new blog crush. When not writing about her aversion to group sex or interviewing her liver, she's appearing in the knife pictures that make Lindsay Lohan look like a spoiled little drunk coked up starlet. Keep on rockin' in the free-ish world Meg!

5) Just what guys everywhere needed, dating tips from Angry Ballerina. Ignore the pissed off Terpsichorean lass at your peril gentlemen, I however will not.


6) Any gal who makes poo jokes is a friend of ours forever.

Ladies, we thank all of you for making us laugh in these troubling times. I tip my fez to you all.