Murray Christmas!

After they put us to bed on Christmas eve night my folks would wait for a few minutes and then they'd lightly jingle some bells.  We'd all shout that it must be Santa and his reindeer outside.  And then they'd come up and tell us to go to sleep.  A few hours later we'd get up and run downstairs and under the tree would be piles of presents and we'd have a gift opening frenzy.  We'd play with our new toys and try on new clothes and generally have a great time.

Looking back on it all I'm not sure how they always pulled it off because we were dirt poor living hand to mouth in the projects in Detroit.  I'm sure they borrowed money from the rest of the family, I can only imagine how hard it must have been for them to ask, but somehow they always came through.  Mom had it rough raising five kids on a shoestring while having to deal with a mentally husband who was in and out of the hospital all the time, but somehow she did.  And dad had it rough dealing with his illness in a day when it was nearly verboten to admit that one had a mental illness.  They dealt with things the best way they could and they did a hell of a job.  I wish they were both here so I could thank them in person.

Mom and dad, you were the best.  The absolute best.  Happy eternity where ever you are.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Due to a vendetta the FCC and the entire cable industry has against me my annual Christmas special won't be shown in the USA or Canada this year.  It will only be broadcast in Scandinavian countries that also border on the arctic circle. But I'm not bitter about it, fuck no, it's fucking Christmas god damn it and I don't have time to be a fucking bitter little bitch.  But I do want you all to know what you're going to be missing.

My 2014 special opens with me sitting on a snow drift dreaming of getting my giblets roasted over an open fire.  Then from out of nowhere swoops down Norwegian love goddess Silje Torp on a winged horse and we sing that old Christmas favorite 'Santa Stuffed My Stocking with Ebola.'

After we bask in the applause of the school children and prisoners out on work release that we paid to be our audience, I'll do a dramatic re-enactment of the time I discovered the true meaning of Christmas in Viktoria Winge's bra. 

I'll romp among the reindeer for a few minutes and then I'll piss on a pine tree until my next guest is coerced into coming on the show.

After we promise to pay her some extra kroner, Danish pastry Mia Lyhne and I will stare at one another as we sit by a Christmas tree.

After a word from our sponsor Lene Marie Christensen and I will lick candy canes in a suggestive manner while the Doctor Monkey Dancers perform scenes from that Christmas classic Equus Goes to the North Pole.

And finally, Vivian Howard will join me to bake my cookies and she'll also cook my goose right before Father Christmas sleds in with presents and liquor for everyone.

This year's Christmas special is sponsored by:

 And by:

 And by:

Space Pussy Vodka.

Check your local listings if you live near the arctic circle!