What's new at Franklin Woods Community Hospital?

Hello!  It's Alan Levine here.  You remember me don't you?  I'm the new CEO of Mountain States Health Alliance and I'm here to tell you about all the new things going on at one of our hospitals, Franklin Woods.  We're bursting with pride over the great stuff that we've got going on, and we want to share it all with you, our future patients.

First up, we've put up signs in every room so folks know what goes on there.  So there'll be no more walking in on an operation in progress or opening a door to a closet and seeing an orderly getting fingerbanged by an x-ray technician.

Our second big announcement is that we hired a negro.  And we let him touch white women as long as they are clothed.

We bought some more of these tube-y thingies. I'm not sure what they're for or why we have to have them, but we sure as heck have them!

Due to popular demand we're bringing back 'Surprise injection Saturday.'  When you least expect it on a Saturday all patients and some visitors will get injected with either a new unapproved medication or something that's recently expired.

 Nurses are now allowed to wear silly looking hats on any day of the week they want.  Silly hats aren't just for casual Fridays any more.

We've invested in a fleet of state of the art wheelchairs.  Doesn't that chair look comfy?  I could take a nap in that thing!

And last but not least, we're once again the only hospital in the USA certified to treat witchcraft!  That's right, if your loved one is suffering with witchiness, bring 'em on in and we'll dunk 'em, exorcise 'em, and burn the witchcraft out of them.  Praise Jesus!

So, with all those great things going on, why would you go anywhere else?  Seriously, suck it Wellmont, Franklin Woods rules!