Friday, February 5, 2010

It's time for some Intelligent Design science experiments!

A) For your first experiment you'll need a ball and a small table. Go get one now.
Okay, now put the ball on the table and then lift the table up slowly. As you lift the table say, "If the ball rolls off the table and bounces when it hits the floor then evolution is a lie made up by godless atheists." When the ball does hit the floor and bounce then put the table gently back down and repeat this experiment as many times as you need to to convince yourself and all others watching that evolution is a lie made up by godless atheists.

B) For your next experiment ask a girl to be your helper. Ask her to go fetch you a balloon from another room. When she leaves smile broadly and tell your audience that this experiment shows that women are subservient to men because the female did your bidding.

When she comes back in with your balloon blow up and tie it with a string and give it to your female helper and tell her that she looks very pretty today.

C) Now, get the ball you used in the first experiment and take it down to the part of the city where the homeless bums congregate. Invite them to pee on your ball while you hold it.
Then when your ball is soaked with their urine pick it up and give it to an illegal immigrant's child. Next you wait to see if the godless beaner kid gets sick from handling the urine soaked ball. If it does get sick and they take it to the emergency room, call the Immigration and Naturalization Service on them and see to it that they get deported before they can use up our precious American health care, which is the best in the world by the way.

D) Now, go find some clear waste baskets that are round. Ask your female friend to help you put things in them. Try putting big square things in the small round basket and then try putting slender cylindrical objects into one of the round baskets.

When the big square thing won't fit but the slender cylindrical thing does, triumphantly announce that this shows that homosexual sex is unnatural and therefore gays should not be allowed to marry.

E) Find a Muslim person and tell them all about Jesus Christ until you are blue in the face. If they don't convert and become a Southern Baptist then report them to the 700 Club and the FBI for being a terrorist.
F) Get your dad's bowling ball and ask your female friend if she will drop it on her feet.
When she does, tell everyone who will listen that your just repeated experiment where you proved that women are subservient to men and that you got the same result so it must be scientific!

G) Place a table on an incline and roll balls off it onto your now injured female assistant.
If anyone asks why you are doing this, ask them why they love the liberal media so much and who are they to dare question you.

H) Finally, get your trusty ball and toss it as hard as you can at the faces of non believers. Pray that no damage or harm comes to them as you do this, but if it does and they get a nose bleed or suffer any injuries from being hit in the face with your ball repeatedly,

then tell them that God said, "No," in answer to your prayer that they not get hurt. And tell them he said, "No," because they have shunned him and not let Jesus in their hearts.

That's all the science you need for now. And remember, if anyone questions the validity or science-ness of your experiments, then you ask them why they hate the baby Jesus so much and why are they determined to push the gay lifestyle down your throat.


PENolan said...

Well done, Doctor.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Once again you have found the cure for my disease called ignorance. I feel like I too have been playing with the urine ball. Damn hoboes.

SkylersDad said...

It must be true because it's science!!

Claire said...

Wait, did you use a control group when you designed this experiment?

Laura said...

You had me at "Tell her she looks very pretty today".

John Shuck said...

Your Monkey Genus is Genius.

Mnmom said...

See! Science and Religion CAN coexist!!!