I'm Running Away (a vintage kid's book remix)

"I've had it," thought Joan to herself. "I'm trapped in this freezing wasteland with husband who sports a comb-over and an underachieving son. I'm glad I found those nice Uruguayan dock workers who like to eat lots of meat and drink beer all day long and who want to hang out with a mom from the USA. It will be hard breaking the news that I'm running off to Uruguay City to be them but my husband and son will get over it in time."

Just then her son Billy came home from school.
"Hi mom!," said Billy. "I'm starving after that long walk home from school. It must be forty below zero out there. Can I have a snack and some hot cocoa?"

"You can have anything you like son. In fact, go upstairs to daddy's special fridge and get us both a beer and a pickled egg. Trust me when I tell you you're going to want to get hammered after I tell you my news."

Billy said, "What's up with you mom? You're acting funny."
"Am I pounding down a big ass can of Bud in between bites of pickled egg yet Billy? No? Well, the reason for that is you haven't done what I asked you to do then. Now hop to it and get us both a beer!"

Billy did as he was told and after he drank his can of horse piss, aka Budweiser, he went back to his room and contemplated his existence.
Just as he was about to have a philosophical break through his mother shouted up at him, "Billy you better be looking wistfully out a window like kids in After School Specials do or I'm going to be pissed."

"Okay mom, I'll get right on it." And then Billy did as he was told because he knew his mom meant business.
After looking out the window while screechy violins and disjointed keyboard music played in the background Billy sat back down on the carpet in his room and he thanked his lucky stars that he didn't have to wear corrective shoes and that he wasn't named Herman.
His mom staggered into his bedroom and drained the beer she was drinking. She said to Billy, "Look kid, I've had it. I'm running away. Mommy still loves you in her own way but she just can't live here any more. I'm moving to Uruguay because they eat lots of meat and they speak Spanish there. It's been my dream to eat lots of meat amongst Spanish speakers since I was a little girl and since I'm not getting any younger I've decided to go now before you and your father rip the last few good years I have left from me."

Billy ran to hug his mother and he began to cry. He also began to pee his pants because he could not hold his beer like an adult can.

"Billy!" His mother was very cross towards her son. "You pissed all over my shoes and my slacks!" She peeled him off her leg. "It's a good thing all my shoes and slacks look the same, now go pack some in a bag for me while I polish off another one of your dad's beers."
Billy did as his mother asked and he also put some of his things in there in the hopes that she would think of him when she ate all that meat with those lusty Spanish speaking Uruguayans. He heard her stagger downstairs just as he finished packing his things in with hers so he ran down after her.
"Okay Billy, hand over the bag and let mommy inspect it. I'd hate to find out that you put some of your shit in there in some lame ass attempt to make me feel guilty about leaving you." She opened the bag and did indeed find all the extra stuff Billy packed and she tossed it out. "Not cool dude," she said as she drained another beer.

Billy's dad pulled into the drive way and Billy woozily ran out to greet him with the news.
"Dad! Mom is leaving us! She's running away to Uruguay to eat meat, drink beer, and speak Spanish!"

As they went inside, Billy's dad said, "Holy shit Billy, you smell like a brewery. Have you been drinking?"

"Mom made me."

"Really? That doesn't sound like your mother. Let's get her in here and I'll get to the bottom of this. Joan! Where are you?"

"I'm right here Dave," she said as she walked into the living room.

"Billy said you made him drink beer and that you're leaving us to go eat copious amounts of meat and drink lots of beer in Uruguay. Is that right?"

Billy looked at his mom. His mom looked at him and then over at her husband. "He's a liar! I never told him that. He's making it all up." She whispered loudly to her husband, "I'm pretty sure he's off his meds today honey, look, he pissed his pants again."
In his drunken state Billy thought, "Meds? What meds? Is my mom crazy? Or did I make all this up in my head?"

As those thoughts swirled around in Billy's huge head his mom let out a huge burp and the smell of stale beer filled the room. Then she began cackling like a mad woman. "I'm just fucking with you Dave, the kid's right. I'm out of here. I'm going to eat pork stuffed with beef sausage and other meat abominations while I wash it down with beer after beer. You can take care of things here while I go have some fun and clog my arteries whilst I converse in Spanish with my Uruguayan dock worker pals. Now Billy, give your dad your coat so you won't chase after me."

Once more Billy did as he was asked and as soon as he did he watched his mom disappear into the cold winter night.

Two weeks after she left his dad brought home a stripper who he met in a chat room and they married soon after that. She bought Billy a Nintendo Wii and she let him have a snack with his hot after school cocoa every day.

Billy's mom was never heard from again but around campfires on the Uruguayan docks, stories are told of a wild drunken female gringo who speaks broken Spanish and who will steal your meat and gobble it down as she howls at the moon.