"You stay here Sally...

...while I go hire that hooker and then we'll have a threesome!"

It's New Year's Eve

Comb your hair...
put your good shoes and socks on...
and party down bitches because some nutty Christians say the world is going to end this year.

Jealous much?

They finally used a picture of my mother on My Parents Were Awesome. It's a cheesecake shot of my mother. She'd be enormously embarrassed if she was alive to see herself on there, but she'd also get a kick out of it.

And you know what? My mom was awesome so she totally deserves to be there. And my dad was awesome too.

Happy new year everybody!

Tuckered out

According to political 'pundit,' corporate apologist, and bow tie wearing homophobe Tucker Carlson, Michael Vick should have been executed for his crimes in the dog fighting scandal. So, with that kind of harsh sentencing in mind I'm betting ol' Tucker will gladly go along with these other harsh sentences:

• Rush Limbaugh should be drawn and quartered for abusing his prescription pain killers.
• George Bush should be flogged, dipped in salt water, and left to die in the dessert for causing the deaths and displacement of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and Afghans.
• Henry Kissinger should be beaten with a thin metal rod and then have molten lead poured in his asshole for backing Pinochet in the Chilean coup that over threw the legally elected government of Chile in 1973.
• Margaret Thatcher should be forced to stand in waist deep water until she dies so that she may atone in some small way for the way she treated striking coal miners in the UK in the 1980's.
• Billy Graham gets to be anally raped by drooling West Virginia meth addicts because he said it was fine to kill all the godless Commies in Vietnam.
  
• Dana Perino should be drug naked through acres of cacti because she lied so many times during her years as Bush's press secretary.

But somehow I doubt that asswipe Carlson will agree with these sentences I have meted out because he's a gutless whiny punk ass punk who's sense of white entitlement is bigger than the the planet Jupiter. People like him should be forced to clean toilets in the slums of Calcutta and Mumbai until they learn some humility.

Jungle babes

They shoot first and ask questions later.

Nothing to see here...

...move along.

"My stars!"

"Those homosexuals are planning to join the military! Whatever shall I do?"

Common ground

Want to hear something strange?

You sure?

Okay, here goes...I agree with teabaggers and conservatives who say that we must slash government spending. Here's where I'd cut the budget:

• I'd slash defense spending to the bone. We've got enough military hardware, bombs, and bullets to defend ourselves from any attack.
• I'd end farm subsidies. We grow way too much corn and there is no reason in the world why we need to subsidize the sugar industry.
  
• I'd cut all foreign aid to any country that sponsors terrorism and that oppresses it's citizens and others who were born within it's borders.
• I'd declare null and void all contracts with any private corporation that is involved with our occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan. And I'd end that occupation immediately and I'd being home all troops stationed there.

Now, unlike teabaggers and conservatives, I've got ways we can increase revenue, which we can use to to rebuild our national infrastructure and to fund single payer national health insurance for all. Those ways are as follows:

• We end the fiction known as the war on drugs and we legalize marijuana for both recreational and industrial use.
• We end the tax exemption for churches and houses of worship. From now on all religions pay taxes on all property and assets they own.
  
• Everyone from now on pays the same percentage of their income in federal income tax.
  
• Businesses pay one dollar per square foot of property they occupy in taxes and we use those taxes for national health insurance for all.
• We tax ammunition for those second amendment protected guns. We raise the tax on a box of bullets from $50 to $500 per box depending on the size of the bullet.
• All malls, big box retailers, and shopping centers must put up solar panels or plant roof top gardens. And the proceeds of those gardens goes to local food banks.
• We end tax breaks for corporations that outsource jobs out of America.
• We tax the shit out of all fossil fuel based industries until they find ways to stop using fossil fuels and move to a more sustainable energy source.
  

If we adopt these simple common sense measures, wed be back on our feet in no time and our future would be secure. Once again, I've come to the rescue of my country. You're welcome America.

End of the year confessions

The things I need to get off my chest before I start 2011 are as follows:

• I like the Femen movement for all the wrong reasons.
• I cut that fart in the library that day, it wasn't that kid in the wheel chair that I blamed it on.
  
• I dared Julian Assange to leak all that stuff.
• I have yet to refudiate anything.
• I didn't finish the Dickens novel I said I was going to finish.
  
• I'm still very lukewarm on Terry Pratchett.
• I still hold out hope that I'll hit the mega Mega Millions jackpot before the end of the year.
• If you still had a Bush/Cheney bumpersticker on your car I flipped you a bird.
• I ate the last of that thing we got at that place. I didn't feel good about doing it, but I did it anyway.
• I passed off one of your Tweets as mine.
• I was less than fresh a while back.
• I mortally wounded a man in Reno just to watch him die.
• I pissed on Lucille Ball's grave.
  
• I started that rumor about Margaret Trudeau.
  
• I made Tiger Woods my bitch.
• I shared my explosive diarrhea in several public restrooms on more than one occasion.
• I made naughty anagrams out of your name.
• I didn't mean for those nude pictures I drew of you to be such a hit in Estonia and Latvia, it just turned out that way.
• I should never be in the same room at the same time with a pencil and a cat in heat. I'm just saying.

Whew, I feel a whole lot better now that I got all that off my chest.

Citius, Altius, Fortius

Filmmaker, Olympic historian, glasses wearer, and cool old bald guy Bud Greenspan passed away on Christmas Day. I'm a huge Olympic nut and I've seen many of Greenspan's films about the Olympiads. I'll miss him and his work. Rest in peace Bud.

Come in

And have a seat. I'll be with you in a moment. Thanks.

Big government strikes again!

"I wanted to feed my baby Dr. Pepper in his bottle but this dang hospital told me I had to let him suck on my boobs or they'd call the Obama-care people on me. If I ain't allowed to give my baby what I used to drink when I was little then tyranny has taken over. Holy shit, did you hear that? I just said a big word. I said, 'tyranny.' I ain't even sure what it means but I said it. 9/11! Freedom!"

Brunette of the year

Jessica Silas.

I found her through STFU Conservatives. They posted an epic smackdown of hers on a bigoted intolerant Christian. She also has a Tumblr blog and it's pretty epic too. Even though she's half my age, in many ways she's wiser and smarter than I'll ever be.

Congrats to you Ms. Jessica Silas! You're this blog's Brunette of the Year!

I'm ready for Snow-mageddon 2010!

A study in beige.

Happy Boxing Day!

Lucy and I wish each and every one of you a happy Boxing Day.

We got around 6 to 8 inches of fluffy powdery snow over the past three days. It's a good thing she's not my doggie because I might lose her out in all that snow. Arf!

So this is Christmas

If I'm posting this late 1960's picture of me and my family, then that must mean it's Christmas day. If you celebrate Christmas, then I hope you had or are having a good one, no matter how you celebrate it. If you don't then I hope you have a great day doing what you do.

Happy holidays and season's greetings to all.

I'll be meme-ing you this Christmas

1. When do you usually know it's the holidays?
I start to 'know' that holiday season is coming around my birthday, which is on Oct. 2oth.

2. What do you want for Christmas this year?
On a large scale I want the occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan to be over so we can stop pissing money down those rat holes. On a slightly lesser scale I want to win the Mega Millions jackpot so I can become a philanthropist and also take a massive trip to visit all my blog, Facebook, and Twitter pals. On a realistic scale, I just want peace and happiness for everyone I know and love.

3. Do you go all out with decorations?
Some years yes, but this year not so much.

4. What are you doing Christmas Eve?
We go to Sparky's parents house and eat finger food and drink punch. Then we come home and open one present each.

5. What are you doing Christmas Day?
We'll be opening presents and probably calling a few far flung relatives before we head off to Sparky's parents house for Christmas dinner which is usually turkey with all the trimmings. Then later on Christmas night some friends are coming by for drinks, snacks, games, and goofing around. It's a new tradition we started last year.

6. It's Christmas time. What are you reading?
I just picked up British comedienne Jo Brand's novel The More You Ignore Me at the library so I'll start that tonight.

7. Favorite movie to watch during the holidays?
About a Boy. We watch it every year before Christmas, it's become one of our favorite movies ever. We also watch the Christmas episodes of our favorite British comedies, The Vicar of Dibley, Knowing Me Knowing You, Father Ted, Clatterford, Ab Fab, and some of the French & Saunders stuff.

8. Favorite Christmas song?
This one:


9. Favorite holiday drink?
Beer.

10. How is your Christmas shopping going?
It's done. I start looking for stuff for those I buy for a few months before Christmas so that I'm not rushed.

11. If you could spend Christmas Day anywhere else, where would you spend it?
New Zealand.

12. Any holiday traditions?
Spending Christmas eve and having Christmas dinner with Sparky's folks. Opening one present on Christmas eve. Watching our British comedy Christmas specials. Getting together with friends. Having a bunch of people over to our place sometime during the holiday season, lately, we've been having folks over around New Years Day which is nice because by then everyone is sick of family and they would rather spend time with friends.

13. Favorite thing about the holidays?
Getting together and spending time with friends.

Thanks for the tag Little Merry Sunshine!

I tag the following folks:
K-Line
Baygirl 32
Flannery Alden
Intelliwench
John Abuzz
and anyone else who feels like doing this meme.

Happy holidays everyone!

It's vintage remix time!

"Santa told me in a dream that he had better see your kitty hanging from this tree or we won't get any presents Suzy."

"Congress may have repealed it, but 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is still in effect when it pertains to our relationship Cletus."

"Hurry up, bury those bodies before the grown ups get here!"


"Who knew red nosed reindeer was so tasty?"

I love this guy

Ricky Gervais on religion versus science:

"When was science used to justify slavery, genocide and the subjugation of women? There are bad people who believe in God and bad people who don’t but neither can claim to have science on their side when they commit their deeds. I don’t know who’s been going round saying that science justifies any of those things. It certainly doesn’t and anyone who says it does is taking the name of science in vain. Many theories try to wear the badge of science to give their practices credibility but the badge is a forgery. Religion even tries to claim scientific evidence but fails. Astrology wants to be recognized as a science. It isn’t. Real science comes along and shows them the door. Its only agenda is truth. It doesn’t wish something were true. It finds out whether something is or isn’t true. Believing something is true simply because you wish it was, isn’t science. It’s faith."

Truer words were never spoken.

Ice age

Here's some pictures I took after last week's ice storm:

Girls in hats really want to break down current events for you, no, really, they do

"I'd love to talk about that dreamy Julian Assange and this whole Wikileaks business but I'm kinda busy now. I'm holding up the north pole. Some guy paid me fifty bucks to keep this thing erect until Santa comes down my chimney."

"I'd love to chat about how we're screwing up our climate by burning all those icky fossil fuel thingys but I can't because I'm working on my tan. And don't even think about getting any information out of the chick with the umbrella, she's so hopped up on Drano and grapefruit wine that she can't see straight."

"You asked, I'm not telling."

"I'd love to talk about the big tax cut my rich parents just got but I can't because I'm on my way to burn down a socialist United Methodist church. How dare those bastards preach about love, forgiveness, and social justice when we all know the Bible says Jesus only loves rich white people who make war and use up all the stuff his daddy stuffed the earth with."
"I haven't got time to talk to you about net neutrality, how the tax cuts are going to fuck our economy harder than a Roman Catholic Priest pounds a 10 year old boy's butt, or how the tea baggers love racism more than Liza Minnelli loves marrying gay dudes. I can't talk about all that because I'm a Neneh Cherry/Lisa Bonet/Terrence Trent D'Abry impersonator and I finally got a gig on an episode of VH1 Classic's new show, We've Done Every Conceivable Program About Heavy Metal That We Can Think Of, So Here's One About The Music And Pop Culture Of The Late '80's/Early '90's."

My receptionist is a bit surly during the holidays

Please forgive him.

In honor of last night's eclipse:

Today on The 1970's Overly Earnest Afterschool Special: The Christmas Miracle

Jimmy knew something wasn't right. He knew it in his bones. The life he had come to live didn't seem true, it didn't seem right. But he couldn't put his finger on what was wrong...
Then one day after Thanksgiving it hit him. He figured out that he wasn't real. Sure he existed on some plane somewhere, but where he lived didn't look like it did on TV. He seemed to be poorly illustrated most of the time and he didn't like it. He wanted to be like the people on TV. However he didn't know how to go about it. So he sought out help. He went to his mother and asked her why they both were poorly illustrated and not real.
"Jimmy, don't talk of such things. We're real as real can be. And I'd call us murkily drawn instead of 'poorly illustrated.' Now go upstairs and get your homework done before my new husband gets home. You know he doesn't like you, so don't go asking him things when he gets home or there might be trouble."

On his way up to his tiny room Jimmy's mind flashed back to a happier time before his dad died from that drug overdose that the union bosses foisted on him. He remembered the times his dad ignored him and those memories brought a tear to Jimmy's good eye.
Jimmy stood there in the hallway of their poor but humble home ruminating and ruing the day his lost his eye in shop class and thinking about his dad's strange taxidermy hobby when all at once his step dad barged in and shouted, "Jimmy! get your ass down here!"
Trembling like a frightened little rabbit, Jimmy ran down the stairs to see what his ogre of a step dad wanted. His step dad said, "Boy, you got it too easy around here. From now on you're gonna be a boxer. And I'm gonna take bets on which round you're gonna get knocked out in and I'll win every time! I'll get rich and after you get too brain damaged to care, I'll pimp out your ma."

"But I don't wanna fight!," cried Jimmy. "I just wanna be real." He step dad punched Jimmy and said, "That's real. That pain is real you little punk. Now dry up those tears Nancy and learn to be a punch drunk fighter who knows when to take a dive."
Just as his step dad was about to clobber Jimmy one more time, Jimmy's mom clobbered her husband with a frying pan and knocked him out. She said to Jimmy, "Run! Get out of here! Save yourself, I'm resigned to a life of prostitution but you can still make something of yourself." As Jimmy ran out of the house he heard his mother say, "You'll be real one day Jimmy, I know you will! Be open to what life brings you now that you're free and look for omens, signs, portents, and get a job so you can send money back home!"

Jimmy ran out and hopped a train that just happened to be passing by and on that train he met some nice hobos.
They served him a supper of rancid pork and beans after he gave them a hand job and then before they settled in to sing some sea chanties before they drifted off to sleep Jimmy asked, "You guys seem hip and happenin', do you know by chance how I can leave being poorly illustrated behind and become real like the people on TV?" His question angered the hobos because they didn't want to consider the proposition that they might not be real so they decided to toss Jimmy off the train.

Luckily enough for Jimmy, the train was running alongside a huge cliff that overlooked the ocean. Jimmy tore his clothes off in mid air and he dove in the frigid waters.
The ocean that day had been majorly fucked with by wizards and Southern Baptists and when Jimmy made his way to the surface, he was magically transformed into
a teenage girl.

He wondered what the hell he was going to do now that he was a girl, still not real, and all alone and on his own in the big wide world. Just then he got a visitor.
"Jimmy, it's me your late father. I'm sorry for ignoring you for all those years and I'm here to help you now. What you need to do is the following: change your name to Jimmi, stop letting the omniscient narrator of this blog post refer to you with male pronouns, get out of the water, and ask the Christmas Crow to bestow his blessings on upon you." His father began to vanish but before he did, he said, "Oh yeah, and get a job too. You can't let your mother turn to a life of prostitution. She'll never make enough off selling her body to feed herself."

So Jimmi made his way, oops, sorry, her way up the steep cliff. When she got to the top the saw that everything had changed and she was no longer in the murky watercolor world. Everything was black and white and a crow sat on a fence.
"Well kid," the crow said, "What you got to say for yourself?"

Jimmi said, "I just want to be real. I want to be like the people on TV. I beseech you, if indeed you are the Christmas Crow. I beseech you to bestow your blessing upon me and to make me real." The crow smiled and rose up off the fence and he shat on Jimmi's head. When the shit hit her head Jimmi turned blue and she grew into a beautiful woman.
"Hey wait Christmas Crow," Jimmi cried as the big bird flew off. "I'm not real yet! Come back, shit on me again, make me real!" The crow circled back and said, "Give it a minute kid. Holy hell, you're an impatient one aren't you."

A few seconds later Jimmi turned into a super hot real live girl.
And even though she had to deal with sexism, the patriarchy, PMS, and constantly being hit on by all manner of horny dudes, her wish had come true and she was real as real could get. Once she got settled into her life as an extreme sports calendar model she sent money home to her mother so that she could get out of whoring. However, her mother discovered that she liked whoring herself out so she ran for Congress and got elected. And the miracle of the story is that her mother held on to her seat in Congress after facing a tough challenge from a Tea Bagger backed insurgency candidate in the 2010 mid term elections.

This overly earnest afterschool special has been brought to you by two hits of mescaline and a bottle of tequila. Thanks for tuning in!

A Monkey Movie Review

There is sooooooo much to love about this film that I hardly know where to begin.

The basic plot is that a divorced woman living in Occupied Palestine gets to bring her teenage son to the USA to live. They move to Illinois to her sister's house and there as the second Gulf war unfolds they encounter some of the best and worst that America has to offer an immigrant who wants nothing more than to earn a decent living and to be part of the American dream.

I loved the positive portrayals of Arab Americans in this film. They're not wild eyed Jihadis bent on destroying the USA, nor are they goody goody too good to be true hapless pawns in some geo political struggle. They are just ordinary people dealing with what life throws at them and they make mistakes at times but at all times they are human and likable.

I loved the positive body image message this film has in it. The female lead, played superbly by Nisreen Faour, is a a normal sized woman, which means everyone thinks she's fat and even she thinks so too until she finally decides that it's okay if she doesn't look like a twig. She's actually quite attractive and she becomes more so when she finally accepts the fact that she's never gong to look like what western civilization thinks she should.

I loved that this film is primarily about the older people in the story. Yes, the teenagers and kids are important to the plot but it's the adults who move the story forward and it's the adults who are the most interesting characters.

In addition to Ms. Faour, I also loved the performances of Hiam Abbass (hubba hubba!), Alia Shawkat (who some of you will remember was in Arrested Development), and Joseph Ziegler.

This sweet little film is well worth checking out if only to show you that there are positive Arab role models in films today.

And now, here's a serious post from a serious guy

Greeting blog readers, Devon Harrington Bubblewhip the third here, as I am sure you know by now, they've repealed Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Well, I for one am one hundred percent behind this repeal. It's about time we let the gays and lezzers in the military, after all they've been getting a free ride for too long. It's high time they stepped up to the plate and defended this country of ours. And lord knows they'll do a better job of protecting us than straight soldiers have done. Look at how many time the straights let us get attacked because they were too busy chasin' tail, going to orgies, and snapping towels at one another in the shower. Those gay boys and lezzer girls will be much more diligent in protecting us from the gay Muslim Communist menace than the straights were because they have better gaydar.

So welcome to our military you gays and dykes, it's time you rolled up your sequined sleeves and got to work protecting us from people like you! Now if you excuse me, I need to go give our pool boy one of the blow jobs I got from our local televangelist earlier today.

"Hello? You're from the future you say? Well, what's life like in the year 2010?"

"What's that you say? People live to be over a hundred years old, some diseases have been wiped out, you've been to the moon, and the rich and corporations still have to pay taxes?"

"My friends, the year 2010 must be hell on earth...the rich still have to pay taxes! And corporations too! It's hell I tell you, HELL!"

Brunette of the week

Olivia Williams.

Barns of the week

A couple of barns in Lee County, VA.