Saturday, July 31, 2010

Brunette of the week

Brazilian jazz vocalist Ms. Luciana Souza.
Hubba, hubba.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Dick isn't going to date a tall girl because he's gay. He's into dudes.

His pink suit and blue ascot should have been a big clue.

Me, if I stood waist high to a gal like her, I'd beg her to marry me.

Spotted on a bench outside of Big Lots

Evidence of Juggalos.

Glue Stic...

...it's orgasmic.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Scenes from a summer day

The view from the top of Roan Mountain.

Butterflies at rest.

A stone angel.

Tall grass.

Top of wooden fence post.

A Monkey Movie Review

I'm like most people in the USA, outside of the World Cup I don't give a crap about soccer, or football as the Europeans call it. I'd rather get beaten in the kidneys with a sack of rabid mentally deranged howler monkeys than watch a professional soccer match. And if you start talking about British professional soccer, then my eyes glaze over and I go to my happy place inside my mind until you shut up about it.

So you'd think that a film about a charismatic brash British soccer manager who steps on his own dick throughout his career would bore me to tears. Well bunky, if you thought that then you'd be wrong. The Damned United is probably the best new film I've seen all year. And if Michael Sheen, Timothy Spall, and Colm Meaney don't get nominated for their performances in it come Oscar time, then there is no justice in the cinematic world.

This film tells the story of Brian Clough's disastrous 44 day tenure as manager of Leeds United in 1974. At that time Leeds United was the top team in the British Premier League. The coach who took them to the top left to become coach of the English national team and Leeds United hired his long time rival, Clough, played brilliantly by Michael Sheen, to take the reins of the club over. From day one it was a bad decision. Clough's style clashed with the players, the owners, and most every one else connected with the team. He pissed off secretaries, the board of directors, the players, and the fans. His brash style was a sharp contrast to the back slapping good ol' boy style of coaching that everyone on the team was used to.

Watching Sheen dive into this role is a wonder to behold. His smarmy know it all Clough is stunning. Everything must be done his way even after he sees it's not going to work. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. He can't help himself, he's got to not only be right all the time, he's got to rub your nose in his rightness. The scene where he berates his best friend, played with so much pathos by Timothy Spall that it oozes from the screen, who refuses to go to Leeds with him is nothing short of brilliant. Both Spall and Sheen solidify their acting chops in this film.

The extras on this one are very noteworthy as well. There are the usual deleted scenes and 'making of' featurette, but more importantly there are a couple of documentaries about the real Brian Clough and British soccer from the 1970's. Both use many folks who knew, played for, and played against Clough when he was a player and a manager. I found it all to be terribly interesting.

I can't recommend this one highly enough. It's a masterclass in cinematic acting and it's a hell of a compelling story that's well told and well made.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Happy belated birthday to one of my favorite actors

The silver fox, Ms. Helen Mirren.

Home grown idiot

Meet the Lt. Governor of the state of Tennessee:
He's a pinched faced prudish looking guy isn't he? Of course he is, he's an east Tennessee Republican after all. And he wants to be the next governor of our fine state so he can give Washington the boot from our lives. He still wants all that federal money that pours into our state, he just doesn't want any negro President and Congress led by a woman telling him what to do with it.

He's currently in third place in the race to become his party's nominee. But he may have found his break out issue. In order to solidify his place in the hearts and minds of the Bible thumpers and teabaggers in this state, he's decided that Islam may not be a religion after all, he says it's a cult, and therefore it may not protected under the first amendment.

Now, if he were standing here next to me, which is very doubtful since I don't in real life associate with people as stupid as he is, I'd remind him that his religion, Christianity, started out as a cult and got lucky when it became the dominant religion the world over. I'd also like to remind him that just because his is the dominant religion, it's not the only religion and that freedom of religion extends to all religions, even those you don't follow or agree with.

I throw up in my mouth a little every time I hear him speak, see his smug idiotic face on a billboard, and see a bumpersticker with his name on it. He's a classic bigot who made good at the expense of others and who now wants to deny others the rights he holds dear. When he loses the primary next week, or whenever the hell it is, I'm going to call his office in Nashville, his local office, and the office of his auction business and I'm going to laugh at him for being such a dumb ass and for wasting all that money on his gubernatorial run.

It's idiots like him who give this area a bad name.

Monday, July 26, 2010

A trio of reviews

Wow. I can't believe it took me this long to see The Prestige. In my defense there are a shitload of movies out there to be seen and I'm not the biggest Hugh Jackman fan in the world, although after seeing another great film directed by Christopher Nolan, I'm now a huge Christopher Nolan fan.

This film is spectacular. It's a got a great story that keeps you guessing, although I nearly had it figured out by the time they got to the pay off, it's got great performances, and it's well made all the way around. It can be a little slow and ponderous at times, but trust me, you'll be glad you stuck it out if you stay with it.

Michael Caine, Christian Bale, and Scarlett Johansson are all really good. Hugh Jackman, I'm still not sold on but he was adequate.

I highly recommend this one.

I have never read the book this movie was based on so I wasn't burdened by any expectations of what I thought the film was going to be like before I saw it. I went into it knowing nothing about this project, well nothing aside from the fact that it had Michael Cera in it and that I really like Michael Cera. And you know what? I fucking loved this film. It's funny, it's inventive, and it's a story I could relate to.

Cera, as usual, stands out, as does the beautiful Ms. Portia Doubleday. I also loved Jean Smart, Mary Kay Place, Emmet Walsh, and Zach Galifianakis.

I recommend this one too.
This is one of the most heartfelt graphic novels I have ever read. I have no idea what it's like to be a smart ass young girl who is into things like D&D, giants, and who has to deal with the loss of a parent at a young age. But because I was one, I have a pretty good idea what it's like to be a young smart ass boy who was into geeky things like comic books, obscure baseball facts, and who had to deal with loss of a parent at a young age. I know exactly where this little girl was coming from and I knew exactly what she was dealing with. Our circumstances were very different but they were the same, and that's why I loved this graphic novel.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Who's holding our Crunky now?

Some chick who is pissed that she didn't get to go to Comic Con is holding our Crunky now. She's covering it in Crunky slobber. Not good.

Suck it Tom Baker

This past season of Dr. Who was the best ever. THE. BEST. EVER.

That is all.

We now return you to your regular blog.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Preserving with Dr. Monkey

Today's episode, salsa!
I started out by washing and cutting up 8 cups (two quarts) of tomatoes. I made a batch yesterday and it was really soupy because I scrupulously put as much of the liquid from the tomatoes in the pot, so today I wanted my salsa to be less soupy so I didn't put the excess liquid in the pot. And as I cut my tomatoes I put them in a colander and let them drain even more before I measured them before putting them in the pot.

After I got my 8 cups cut, drained somewhat and in the pot I put in my seasonings. I added 2 tsp of sugar, 4 tsp of pickling salt, 2 tsp of paprika, 2 tbsp of coarsely ground black pepper, the juice of two limes, and 4 tbsp of apple cider vinegar. (The salt, the limes, and the vinegar help preserve the salsa.)
Next I chopped up one large onion, one half of a red bell pepper, one sweet banana pepper, three de-seeded cherry bomb hot peppers, and four cloves of garlic and I added it to the tomatoes and spices. Then I turned on the burner and brought it to a gentle boil.
As soon as I saw it was gently boiling, I turned the heat way down and let it simmer for about 2 hours. Most salsa recipes call for two to three hours of cooking time.
I got four full pint jars and one nearly full pint jar (which I stuck in the fridge after it cooled down) out of this batch and while it was much less soupy than yesterday's batch, it was still kind of on the too soupy side. Now that I've worked with the basic recipe, which I found here by the way, a few times, I'm good with monkeying around with it. Next time I'll add more tomatoes but I'll try pressing a lot of the liquid out of them first and I'll add way more peppers, probably some pablano, more banana, and jalapeno, and more onion.

When I open and use these jars that I made yesterday and today, I'll try to remember to chop up some cilantro and to add some freshly chopped onion to give it more bite and crunch.

All in all though, I like this recipe and I like what I've made so far. But most of all I like knowing what's in my salsa.

I'll probably try canning some tomato based pasta sauces and some tomatoes before the summer is out. I like canning and I may even try pickling a few things as well.

"Jimmy...

...they just put a man on the moon. Do you know what that means?"

"Gosh no Father McGothlin. Tell me."

"It means that one day soon I'll be able to molest you on the moon."

Friday, July 23, 2010

More stupid things people have said to me

Back in the mid '90's I was an extra on the film Box of Moonlight and there was an insane woman who was a production assistant or wardrobe assistant or something and she loved to run around the set asking stupid questions and saying really stupid shit.

Right before we were to do the take where we construction workers find out we're all being fired by the big boss lady who then flies off in a helicopter the film's director, Tom DeCillo, who is a super nice guy by the way, said, "Are we ready for our Ann Richards shot?"

He said this because the woman who was playing the big boss lady who fired us construction workers looked like the former governor of Texas, Ann Richards. After asking his question Mr. DeCillo, walked off to confer with John Turturro, the star of the film.

Upon hearing Mr. DeCillo's question, the idiot PA/wardrobe woman perked up and asked, "Is Ann Richards in this movie?" I told her that she was not and that the woman who was playing our boss only bore a resemblance to the late Ms. Richards. However since I was only an extra my word was not good enough so the crazy woman shut down the entire set of the film to find out if indeed Ann Richards was in our low budget independent film. She asked everyone, except us extras, if it was true Ann Richards was in our film. After about 30 minutes DeCillo finally came back to where the grips and lighting guys were supposed to be setting up the shot and he asked why nothing had been done. Someone told him that the idiot PA/wardrobe had asked that nothing be done until she could find out if the rumor about Ann Richards being in the film was true. He rolled his eyes and then he told the grips and lighting guys to please set the shot up and he asked them to ignore whatever that woman said from now on, she was standing a few feet away from him when he said that.

I turned to her and said, "So, I guess Ann Richards won't be appearing in the shot huh." She glared at me and then walked away.

Preserving with Dr. Monkey

We've got a bumper crop of figs on the fig tree outside our house and they are ripening faster than Harry Reid can capitulate to the Republican minority in the US Senate, so I've begun making fig preserves. Here's what I did with the latest batch of ripe figs:

I washed and sliced them into halves and quarters. I ended up with 4 cups of figs. The recipe I use, which I got from a magazine called Mary Jane's Farm, calls for 1/4 of water and 1/2 cup of sugar per cup of figs, so I put one cup of water in my big pot and then I added 2 cups of sugar, and I used the dark brown 'raw' sugar this time, although I usually use plain old white sugar.
I brought the sugar and water mixture up to near boiling and then I added half the figs. I let then simmer in the sugar water for 20 minutes.
Then I added the other half of the figs and a pint of blueberries, I added the blueberries because I wanted to experiment with adding different flavors and fruits to the figs in an effort to find the best flavor combination. I let the figs and berries simmer for another 20 minutes.

While they simmered I took the zest from two lemons and the juice of one and a half of them and I added it to the figs and berries. The acid from the lemons helps preserve the fig mixture and it gives the flavor a little kick.
After my figs and berries finished cooking I put the whole shebang in the food processor and I pulsed it until everything was all chopped up and mixed together nicely. Then I put the hot fig/berry mixture into jars I had sterilized earlier.
I ended up with two smaller jars, those are 10 ounce jars I believe. And one full pint jar. The not quite full pint jar I put in the fridge after it cooled and we'll eat it first. The other jars I can store with the other jam I made earlier this year.

It tasted just fine but the figs over powered the blueberries a bit. However since we do have a booming crop of figs this year, I'll get more chances to experiment with flavors as the summer rolls on. I plan on adding some hot peppers to one batch of fig preserves this year because I love 'sweet heat.'

Coming up next time on 'Preserving With Dr. Monkey' I'll show you how I make and can salsa.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Musical discoveries of the week (so far)

Jazz vocalist Kat Edmonson. I discovered her through one of the jazz stations on Accu Radio.

99 Cent Whore (the alter ego of Mary Birdsong of Reno 911 fame), who I discovered through being Facebook friends with Ms. Birdsong. Find out more about 99 Cent Whore by clicking here.

Canned meat update

It's special. It says so on the can!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Arizona finds another way to get rid of those icky brown skinned people

Holy crap

President Obama is a weak kneed, lily livered, scaredy cat. He's the cowardly lion who got taken in by a bunch of right wing nitwits. He tossed a decent and good public servant under the bus to avoid being made fun of by the crying Mormon and the man behind the Acorn non scandal.

And you know I'm right when one of his biggest supporters calls him out for being such a wuss.

I've said it before and unfortunately, I'll have to say it again, GROW A PAIR and stop being afraid of your own fucking shadow Obama. Stop starting from a compromised position and you won't have to give in as much. Stop being such a timid version of Jimmy Carter and start being a lion like FDR.

Brunette of the week

Lenora Crichlow.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I am the sunshine of your lives

Yeah, that's right I got awarded that sweet award for being my awesome self. And you know what? I totally deserved it because I'm good looking, a great writer, funny, politically astute, and so very very humble. And the only thing better than getting a sweet award for my blogging prowess is getting a sweet award for my blogging prowess from this hot chick:
I know! Right? That's McGriddle Pants and she's the one who gave me the award. She gave me another award but every time I go back to her blog to find out which one it was I end up stopping and staring respectfully at the above photo because, holy cats, how could you not love a picture of a cute gal in a bikini top drinking a beer at 10:30 in the morning?

Anyhoo, we could sit around and bask in her and my awesomeness all day long but where would that get us? I'm not sure either so let's get right onto passing this award along. I didn't bother to read the rules and regs that accompany this award because I'm a bad ass like that so I'm gonna give it to who I please and they can do the same or not, whatever. So I hereby bestow this award to:
  • My blog and real life friend Southern Female Lawyer. She's smart, cute, a fine singer, a heck of a mother, and she's twitchy live wire gangster goon in my graphic novel project. I'm lucky to live just a few blocks from her and her husband local music legend Rob Russell of Rob Russell and the Sore Losers.
  • Libby of Libby Logic. She's a funny working gal who lives in Utah and isn't a Mormon. She's married and has the cutest baby ever. And she likes wine. What's not to love?
  • Pe Nolan of Menopausal Stoners. She and I share roughly the same age and almost the exact same politics. I love her take on life, the universe, and everything. She's also graciously agreed to be in my graphic novel project as a boozy MILF.
  • The gal over at Pure Klass. I've only been reading her for a week now and I only started doing it because she left a comment here on a post I did. I'm glad she did and I'm glad I found her kick ass blog. Her slice of life blog posts are funny, wistful, and worth reading.
  • Kirby at I make no promises. I've been blog buds with Kirby for a few years now and I have nothing but love for her short pithy blog posts and her comments here.
Congrats to all the women I re-gifted this award to and to the rest of you I say, step up your blogging and one day you might get an award from me as well. And know that I lurve you all, each and every one of you.

Things I don't give a shit about

  1. The whole Twilight series of books and the movies made from them. I'm not a teenage girl or a 'sensitive' male so I could care less about this piece of pop culture fluff.
  2. Kindles, IPads, and IPods. Seriously, fuck off Apple. And take electronic books with you.
  3. Who ever the Westboro Baptist Church says their god hates now. If they were outside my house protesting me, I wouldn't give them the time of day. They're publicity whores who pervert whatever good there is in Christianity.
  4. Saturday Night Live. Holy shit, why doesn't NBC not have the decency to pull the plug on this show?
  5. The Simpson's. Don't misunderstand me, I used to love The Simpson's and that show's place in our pop culture is secure forever but god damn, it stopped being funny years ago. And King of the Hill was never EVER funny.
  6. Political pundits. Sweet lord I hate all of them, the ones on the right and the ones on the left. They are all a pack of fame seeking publicity loving jackals. And toss in all the phony 'news' people at FOX Noise too. I'd rather watch test patterns and listen to the song stylings of progressive rockers like Rick Wakeman and Brian Eno than listen to those phony millionaire 'populists' on FOX.
  7. TV shows about cakes and bakeries. DO. NOT. WANT. Take one cup of sifted flour and shove it where the sun don't shine, then coat yourself in icing, and bake for 75 hours.
  8. Your tattoos and piercings. If you get a tat, I'm happy for you but I don't ever want to see it, especially after you've had it for a few years and the once firm young skin that you had it on is now droopy. Same thing with piercings, unless it's in your ear lobe. And honestly, more than one earlobe piercing per lobe is overkill.
  9. So called 'discount cards' at book and grocery stores. I'm not about to spend $25 to save ten percent. If I have to buy a shitload of books and over priced CD's and DVD's to make buying a discount card make sense, then that's not really a discount. And stop acting all hurt and annoyed when I tell you up front that I don't have or want a card.
  10. Finishing this post. Holy shit, I'm full of the bitter spoiled milk of inhuman unkindness tonight and.....................................................

Monday, July 19, 2010

Who's holding our Crunky now?

Some drunk bastard is holding our Crunky now. When he passes out we'll steal it back.

Here's a very special guest post by Whoopi Goldberg

What's up y'all? I hear some of you people be hatin' on me for defending Roman Polanski, Michael Vick, and Mel Gibson. Some of y'all been saying that I'm a Hollywood apologist and shit. Well, you what? It's true, I am an apologist for folks out here. You all got no idea what it's like to live and work under the constant glare of the hot lights and what it's like to be a Hollywood star. It's a tough job and an even tougher life. And for every Hollywood fuck up who I defend, there a bunch that I haven't publicly said anything about.

Until now that is. It's time for me to set you crackers straight on some of my other Hollywood friends. So here goes:
Robert Blake didn't murder his wife. I been out shootin' at homeless people with Bobby and I know for a fact that he couldn't hit the broadside of a skid row homeless shelter with his gun shootin' skills. His dead wife grabbed his hand and she made him pull that trigger.

Y'all need to step off of my boy Gary Busey. He's not bat shit cray like they like to say he is. I been out masturbating wild turkeys with him and he's nice as anything. I swear. Anything they say about him is a lie.

Larry Flynt. Nobody loves women more than Larry Flynt. If he didn't love them so much he wouldn't be giving so many of them work. And he wouldn't let them be all pretty and shit in his magazines and DVD's. And I know what I'm talking about because one time I drunk his colostomy bag and I got wasted out of my head and Larry watched my kids while I rode my drunk out.
That Russian spy woman? Sheee-it, she's the nicest thing ever. Me and her swapped spit and some almost declassified pentagon files once and we had the best time ever. I love her like a sister.

And finally, y'all got the wrong idea about Jessee James. Me and him got blind drunk, wasted on meth, and went to a Nazi gang bang where he poured out his heart to me. He told me that Sandra Bullock wouldn't get freaky on his deaky like his ex wife the porn start did, so he had to sleep around.

Now you all run along and stop believing everything you read in Us Enquirer People Who Are In Touch magazine. I got to run, I'm meeting with Pope Ratso and we're going to check some young choir boys for hernias.

See ya on The View!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Awkward comedy

If you're a fan of awkward comedy like I am, then you'll love the new show Louie on FX.
Louis CK stars, and he wrote, directed, and edited the episodes as well, as an aging divorced stand up comedian who is raising his two young daughters. It's full of awkward comedic moments and some laugh out loud funny stuff.

If, however, you are easily offended I suggest you skip it because they make light of all kinds of things that may make you uncomfortable.

I never saw his HBO sitcom but this is on my must watch list. In fact, I've seen some of the episodes two or three times already and I find new things to appreciate and laugh at with each viewing.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Traveller, rest your weary head

Go on, you need a nap, lay down.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Street food

We happened upon this while on our semi nightly walk:
It's a cake someone left out on the sidewalk. A burnt cake.

You never can find a decent death panel when you need one

Dick Cheney is getting yet another expensive heart surgery done on our dime, he's got the good kind of socialized government health insurance, and he's sixty freakin' nine. At what point do we finally cut our losses on him and deny him coverage?

Wait, I know. Never, because he's rich, white, and in charge.

Those babies with AIDS and ghetto kids who require fancy drugs and operations not approved or covered by Medicaid can suck it, Uncle Dick's gotta get his black heart fixed.

The easy joke here would have been to say, "Dick Cheney has a heart? Go figure." But as regular readers know, I'm not easy. Stop laughing. I'm not.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

What I'm working on

Here's a page from my still untitled graphic novel:
(Click on the page to enlarge and then click again to read it without having to squint.)

This page, or one very much like it, will be in the final version of my graphic novel project.

I'm loving taking photos, editing them, laying this thing out, and writing the script for it. I hope many of you will subscribe to the blog I'm going to put it on when I get it ready for publication. I'll give you all details on how to do that when the time comes but be aware that this thing is going to take some time to finish, like 4 to 6 months of time. Be patient though, it's going to kick a million levels of ass when I get it done.

Three quick reviews

I remember reading and hearing about this mini series when it first came out but we didn't catch it on Masterpiece Theatre when it aired on PBS. A few weeks ago I spotted it for sale in an antique store for $5 and I bought it. After finally seeing it I can truthfully say that I'm sorry I missed it the first time around. It's a very good series that's well written, well directed, and very well acted. Jane Horrocks and Janet McTeer are fantastic in it. I highly recommend this one. It's the kind of series that the Brits at the BBC do so well.

This film is at times highly disconcerting, melancholy, and creepy (though not in a horror movie kind of way). It's a morality tale about families, capitalism, and the state of modern Ireland. I enjoyed it very much and as usual Brendan Gleeson is fabulous in it. And while I am not immune to the physical charms of Kim Cattrall, her accent in this film is just mercilessly bad. It's so bad in fact that she abandons it mid way through the film and no one notices it. But golly, she is nice to look at.

This little charming film tells the quasi fictional story of one of the first marriages allowed in the USA after the Exclusion Act was finally revoked. (For those of you who are not familiar with that piece of hateful legislation, it held that no Chinese females were allowed into the country, however males were fine to come in and work but they couldn't become citizens. And that was the law of this land until after World War 2.) It's a sweet slice of life film that shows us, well mainly me in this case, how tough non white people had it (and still have it in many cases) and how they overcome and flourish in spite of what the rich white male corporate elites do to them. I recommend this film but Sparky said she found it to be a little slow moving for her taste, so be forewarned.